Adopting our Selah

Holiday Memories

2012-01-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

As I was looking through all the photos from the entire holiday season, I couldn't help but smile at so many! Overall, the holidays were filled with joyous moments. We laughed over some and we definitely learned over more! Christmas Day was particularly hard for Selah and for us in turn. There had been too many events leading up to that morning and I started seeing behaviors of hers that I thought we had long passed. We have noticed that when she becomes highly overstimmed, she doesn't tantrum or rock or become unreasonable...she just starts kissing everyone constantly. It is such a tough situation. Here I was the type of parent with our boys, who always reminded them to give hugs and kisses to all family members...and now we are having to stop her from kissing others. Our family and friends look at us like we are absolutely crazy to want to stop her loving nature, but it is just too much to try to explain the nature of attachment and what these types of behaviors do to her development. Oh well...this too shall pass!

The day after Christmas we headed up north to Overgaard, AZ and enjoyed the snow for a few days. It was the perfect place for Selah to find calm and to make her world small again. The snow was beautiful and the kids had so much fun playing in it! Arizona is such a diverse state. I am always amazed at God's great design....mountains of desert landscape, mountains of red rock, and mountains of green pine all within hours of each other. It was 70 degrees in Chandler and 40 degrees two and a half hours north! What fun!

Our sweet little Landon had his 7th birthday this week! I can't believe how time is flying. He is such a sweet treasure and am so thankful God has allowed me to be his mama! The poor little guy was sick most of the week (and then passed it onto me). He was so cute saying daily "It's just not right that I should be sick three days before my birthday" and then the next day "it is just not right that I should be sick two days before my birthday"! I guess in his mind it is a birthday week and in that case it really just isn't right to be sick then!!!! :-) He was well just in time for his big day, though, and we celebrated at Peter Piper Pizza! Mommy barely made it...but God gives us mommies super human strength when it comes to our kid's birthdays! I spent the remainder of the weekend in bed, but I made the big day!

Our 10th annual trip to the Polar Express! Selah's first time was a hit!

She loves her dadday SOOOOOO much!

Santa giving the kids their special bell to remind them to BELIEVE!

Selah has been completely enamored of Santa!

A family carriage ride at the North Pole. Brrrrr...but fun!

Thanksgiving at my brother and his wife's home. Selah loves her Grandma(my mom) bunches! They even look alike!

Digging into the delicious food!

Hanging her first ornament

She played the amazing part of a little shepherd in her pre-school play.

Our annual gingerbread house...a little drama around that...

The Snowflake Sprint at school for the boys.

Two brothers worn out from running their bums off!

Official Re-adoption Day! Selah couldn't stop staring at the judge to get a good picture!

Selah's first present.

A wonderful book from Aunt Nancy that is helping her with colors...a skill we struggle with!

Doesn't his smile just make you wanna squeeze him?

Christmas Eve with family - cousins from age 2 weeks almost 10 years.

Santa's cookies and socks (to keep his toes warm - another tradition of ours), and carrots for the reindeer. The letter this year was written by Landon and it was sort of an apology for some behavior issues! It was pretty cute :-)

Zachary's school choir performance.

Zach and Grandma Judy on Christmas Day

Landon and Grandpa Bob

Zach in Overgaard with his new snowball launcher!

Landon and my little snow man! I was cold and only wanted to make a little guy!

A little piece of Heaven in the mountains!

Roasting marshmallows (Selah's first time)

Happy 7th Birthday, Sweet Landon!

He was thrilled with a box of Lucky Charms as a gift from Grandpa Bob, but he knew there had to be more to it because Grandpa is always playing jokes!

After further investigation, money had been stashed inside the cereal bag! You can imagine how long it took the bag to be poured out on our kitchen counter!

Some beautiful memories...so thankful for God's merciful heart and many blessings! Now, though, if I can just get past this yuck, I think I'll be able to breathe again! I can take the Christmas tree down now, too! Sweet little Landon insisted it be one of his presents to keep the tree up for his birthday! So sweet :-)

"You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head." Psalm 139:5

Blessings and smiles,
Lori

Merry Christmas to All!

2011-12-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

The tree is up. The house is decorated. The lights are twinkling outside. Wrapping paper, bows, and ribbons have taken up residence in our living room. Three little children are bubbling with excitement....and one in particular is absorbing each moment with a most special twinkle in her eys! A year ago we ached with sadness over the fact that Selah was spending one more Christmas without her family. Now it is a Christmas complete...and I am so very thankful that on Christmas Eve after everyone is sound asleep, I will have three rooms...and three little foreheads to kiss as I say a prayer of God's protection, healing, and love in the lives of each of the three little treasures He has so lovingly given us to parent.

Jingle Bells performed by those three little treasures!

One year later, my prayer for each child as I lay a hand on their sleeping little head, will be so very different. Last year I remember praying so desperately for peace and patience as we waited to bring Selah home. I remember praying for her safety and for the Lord to be preparing her heart to leave the only world she had ever known, to become a part of our family. I prayed He would open her heart to receive all the love we had to offer. I prayed that each of the boys would be prepared for all that would come with having a new sister who may have difficulties adjusting. I prayed that their love and acceptance would be never ending and that Selah may learn a little about Jesus from the way they and Bryan and I would love her. I prayed that jealousy would not have an opportunity to enter into their little hearts and I prayed that their hearts would remain intact throughout whatever would face us. I prayed that God would continue to mold their hearts and bring them closer to Him.

As I reflect back, I see how God has answered those prayers and more. Honestly, there are moments (actually days...several days..) where I feel as though my prayers are not being heard. I feel like He is just not making good on His promises! I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth of my roller coaster emotions. He always pulls me up out of that place of "yuck" and sets me back upon the rock of truth where I can confidently say that I know that I know that I know that He DOES make good on His promises...all of them! His Word does not come back void! And then is when I can so clearly see how He is healing Selah day by day. He has been at work slowly opening her heart to our love. It is definitely not on my time schedule, but I believe His timing is perfect and He knows why it takes as much time as it does. I also see how He has so abundantly and even more so than I could have ever dreamed, filled the hearts of our two boys with this amazing love that it such a model of what He desires for us. The sun and the moon set on their little sister. There is nothing she can do that will make them mad for more than a minute! They had moments when they needed to talk about how things are different now and when they felt waves of sadness pass over them for what we were all experiencing with Selah, but there has never been a moment they have wanted to change things and never a moment they didn't recognize that Selah's behaviors did not come from her heart...but rather from the trauma of her life before us. They were often better at seeing that than even I! They were able to remind me of her progress and the positives even in the midst of the most difficult of times. This wisdom was so beyond their years. What a precious gift God gave us in this wisdom! He is using Selah and her story to mold Zachary and Landon's hearts....as well as the hearts of so many others.

My prayer this year will be for Selah's continued healing. This year I know the specifics. Last year I had no idea. There has been so much more than we could have ever dreamed possible. I am praying for the continued molding of our hearts and for each of us to develop an even stronger and closer relationship with Jesus. I am praying for strength to continue the fight in this ongoing spiritual battle. I am praying for wisdom, for discernment, for patience, and for love. I am praying for a little girl to have a joy that starts deep in her heart and shines through in the twinkling in her eyes. A joy that is not quenched by memories of the past, of fears of the past, present, or future, or by an other emotional, mental, or physical challenges. And finally, I am praying that next year I can look back at this year's prayers and see them answered in abundance!

In keeping with my reflection of the answered prayers of last year, I don't think there is anything more vivid than the two pictures I recently looked at of Selah. One is from the airport on the day we arrived home. The other is a most recent one. Just look at how God works! Eight months are in between those two photos. Eight months, lots of love, lots of prayer, and lots of nutrition (10 pounds and 4 inches worth)!

My prayers are with all those who have brought your little ones home and are adjusting, those in the midst of the brutal wait between the two trips, and those in just the beginning phases of your adoption! May you feel His love, comfort, and guidance each step of the way. God is with us and is not going to let go! Many blessings to all this Christmas!

All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet:

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’

Matthew 1:22-23

Through the Eyes of Trauma

2011-11-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

Last week was a tough one. Selah's surgery to repair the strabismus in her right eye went fantastically. Even in the beginning it felt that she turned to us for comfort and let her walls down a little more and just wanted lots of loving. The tough started a couple of days later, after the eye was feeling better. It seems that the trauma of the surgery triggered some very unpleasant memories that consumed our sweet girl and brought out all the fear, rage, and pain that we experienced in the beginning. She acted out some of the memories in her playtime with her speech teacher, followed by extreme acting out over the same topic a day later, and then fell apart emotionally. The whole experience was so traumatic, but God used it for the good as He is always so faithful in doing, and each day is showing the return of Selah's joy and emotional stability.

For me, God used this to break my heart all over again. I know that I have struggled with finding the correct balance to being emotionally engaged and disengaged. It is important to remain disengaged from the behavior so that you can handle the actions without anger or hurt entering the picture. It is also important to be connected emotionally to your child so that they can always be reassured of your unconditional love. In my situation, in the beginning I was so emotionally connected that I couldn't separate the behavior from the child and the actions triggered an emotional response from me which was too much of a burden to bear. As time progressed, I became more emotionally defensive and worked to remain emotionally detached from the behavior. This, in turn, sometimes separated me from my daughter and from being able to feel her pain or understand her actions. Last week, God showed me where I had gone wrong and He gave me the amazing gift of truly, in a very physical sense of the word, seeing her actions and feelings through the eyes of the unthinkable trauma she has experienced in life.

By Friday I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Bryan was able to take the day off (Veteran's Day is not a given holiday at his work) and he treated me to a day to myself. He took all three kiddos and spent the day at the movies and visiting his parents. It gave me time to rest, think, pray, and listen. At one point, I sat down at my computer and returned an email to Emily, who is our post adoption support at All God's Children. I wrote to her about all that had been happening in our home and a bit about my heavy spirit. The writing started a thought process in me that lead me through my last few weeks of reading, of prayer, of Bible study, and of the last couple of sermons at church. I started seeing how so many pieces of my life seemed to be coming together to show me one very important thing about my call in life right now. Everything had been about shepherding a child's heart, believing in the power of God to heal, leaning into His Spirit to hear His wisdom and gain His strength, and never trying to run away from what God has called you to. At that very moment I received a return email from Emily (what are the chances that she was right there and able to respond so quickly?) and it was if her words were sent by Jesus Himself! They started the tears running. Her words simply confirmed my thoughts about Selah's trauma and reminded me to care for myself. Her words reminded me to see Selah's behaviors through the lens of trauma rather than acts of manipulation or defiance. The "brain" part of me knows that...but something in her words cracked me wide open and I let it all come rolling out! And what does any Mom who is an emotional blubbering mess do? Laundry! Right? As I transferred one load to the dryer, started another in the washer, and yet folded another I cried...and cried...and cried. It felt as if God had given me this gift of envisioning the horrors she lived. I say gift because, as much as it made me physically and emotionally sick, it broke my heart to another degree of truly understanding my little girl. I will never forget that moment. I feel like it changed my heart once again...and made it better and stronger.

And, just in case there was any doubt in my mind that all this had been arranged by God, He placed one more confirmation in my day. As I finally left the laundry room, having pulled myself together again, I saw that I had a missed call from my friend. It was the same friend I had felt the urge to call as I was crying because I wanted to share my revelation with her. I had just spent some time with her and she knew of my frustrations over Selah's behaviors. The message from her was a directive to find and listen to Casting Crown's song "So Far to Find You". It was actually an order...not a suggestion, and I was to do so IMMEDIATELTY. The funny thing is she had been listening to the cd for a few months now, but had never paid attention to the lyrics until this very moment as she was on the treadmill at the gym! She had stopped her workout just to call me because she was so moved and KNEW I just had to hear the song NOW! I was obedient (:-) ). There I sat listening and blubbering all over again. It was my personal confirmation that God was in this...He was working on us all. He is loving us through it all and He is not ever going to let go. He showed me Selah's pain on a level like never before and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be her mommy and share her pain with her and I will always know that whatever she dishes out will never compare to that what she experienced in her short 4 1/2 years. I know I can handle it because we have a great big God who loves us so...and will walk with us every step along this journey to healing.

Below are the lyrics and then the YouTube of the song. Be blessed....but make sure to have the tissues nearby!

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone
We were waiting and praying
And longing to bring you home
And then we saw your face
In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts
We took a step of faith
And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed
Just to hold your hand
You will never be alone again
I’ve come so far to find you
So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful
You were hiding your heart away
But I was trying so hard to show you
‘Cause there were no words that I could say
If you could see my heart
You would know that all I want to do
Is care for you

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

Here in your eyes I see
Reflections of myself
How I’m the child that’s really running
But I can hear a voice that’s whispering my name
Saying come to me, don’t run from me
I’m all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
(I have come so far)
Will you take my love and give up the fight
(I have come so far)

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From Heaven’s throne
Down to a rugged cross I came
It was My love for you that brought Me all the way
So far to find you
So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned
And crying all alone

Seeing From the Perspective of Heaven

2011-11-03T12:45:00.000-07:00

Happy November! Before we know it, Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here! Yikes...!

October was a fun filled month. I always love October because it starts cooling down here in Arizona. This year it took longer to actually cool off, but, FINALLY the beautiful weather is here and we remember why it is that we love Phoenix so much!!!

Selah began wearing the brace for the scoliosis. It was a horrible three nights of rages and screams and very little sleep, and then another four or so nights of restless sleep and some anger issues and regression, but then she seemed to settle into accepting life in the brace. As frustrating and difficult as it was, though, God used the brace to bring hidden blessings. The brace gave Selah such wonderful deep tissue pressure, that it helped to calm her significantly. Our occupational therapist was amazed at the difference in Selah.

Also, because the brace was designed to come halfway down around her bum and hips, it has pulled her hips together and helped her to walk with a narrow gate placing one foot directly in front of the other. She has continued to do this and keep the straight posture even for the couple of hours each day she is without the brace! It has also stopped her from rocking at night and sleeping with her torso flat on her legs like a closed book. The design of the brace makes it impossible to do that. I believe that was the biggest portion of the raging for the first week. Even though she falls asleep at night lying flat now, several times throughout the night she would sit up, rock, and either fall asleep forward or flop back. It was a blessing because it took Bryan and I out of the quotient and put the blame on the brace which in turned caused her to turn to us for comfort. The other part of the rocking I think was simply habit...similar to sucking a thumb or pacifier that had never been broken.

Today we found out even one more hidden blessing! We saw the cardiologist today for a follow-up on her enlarged aortic root. The ultrasound was promising in that there had been no progression of the enlargement! Praise God! That was even without medicine, therefore the doctor doesn't feel we need to start any new medications at this point! And...the hidden blessing? He told us our biggest fear is going to be any blows or hard impacts to Selah's torso. That could cause the "eruption". With her brace, he said she is actually well protected. Funny how God works!

Selah's surgery to repair the strabismus in her right eye is on Friday morning. Please pray with us for success, quick healing, and no emotional setbacks. I pray that God will use this time to draw her even closer to us.

Otherwise, we continue to stay busy with day-to-day activities. As I celebrated my birthday this year, I remembered being so sad last year because we couldn't seem to get our I800 approval from the NBC. I remember having a nightmare officer that kept changing her mind as to what she wanted from us. Ugh...how many wasted days, extra fees, and overnighting costs we accrued! It now seems so long ago.

Landon playing i9 basketball

Zach's team won the championship for the Halloween tournament!

Halloween was really fun again this year! Both sets of grandparents had arrived back in town for the winter months and were here for trick-or-treating and our neighborhood potluck of chili, cornbread, and a million other yummy treats! The weather was gorgeus....the boys were cute...and our little Selah made an adorable little ladybug!

My tribute to the Jayhawks in honor of Bryan and the boys!

The back.

Trick-or-treating

Zach was a KU basketball player and Landon a KU fan!

Do you think her big brothers adore her, or what?

Charley, our sweet babysitter, and Selah. Dorothy, Toto, and a ladybug :-)

Selah's Mr. Potato Head Pirate Pumpkin deserved a big hug and kiss!

I am reading this book right now called Spiritual Java by Bill and Beni Johnson. A friend gave it to me as a birthday gift and I love it! It is broken up into small chapters so that you can read it even if you only have a couple of minutes here and there. The jacket cover says "God will take you into supernatural new territory, and your explorations will not end until you are fully walking in His prefect plan for your life. Each time you enjoy a few more sips, you will be warmed and energized to step out into your world with renewed Kingdom effectiveness. May each sip of every chapter be spritual java for your soul." Kinda fun, huh? I'm going to leave you with two little sips of that java that I related to the journey of an adoptive parent. The journey where you lay your life down daily for another..the journey where that laying down can seem like the heaviest of burdens on some days and greatest of joys on others.

"The tragedy is that many believers can't yet distinguish the difference between the burden of the Lord and the weight of their own unbelief." Chew on that one! When we are so burdened and go before Him in prayer, is the burden really about what has been placed upon us? Or is it about the weight of our unbelief in what He can and will do? The book went on to say, "do whatever is necessary to arrive at a place of faith. Then you will be able to see the situation from the perspecitive of Heaven - and you will be able to bring Heaven to earth with a simple word or two." I know that the days I am firmly planted in that place of faith, my burdens are not heavy. The days I waver, are the days when I fear what the future could mean for Selah and for us. But, I am committed to seeing her medical and emotional needs from the perspective of Heaven. In Heaven there is no pain and no brokenness. That is what I am believing in faith for Selah.

And here is the other one that spoke volumes to me: "But for the sake of becomnig mature and growing in favor so that we can bless those around us, God brings moments into our lives when we have to stand alone in difficulty and testing. God will even blind the eyes and deafen the ears of our closest friends in those moments - so we can learn to minister to ourselves." I don't know about you, but there have been many moments I have felt a bit isolated in my world through various phases of this journey. Now, I don't mean we haven't had wonderful friends and family loving us. I just mean that until you walk this road, it is really tough to understand. It is also very tough to share all that is going on. So many people are simply elated that you have your child now with you and they are unaware of all that can come with adoption, especially of an older child. The last thing you want to do when they are so happy for you is to emotionally or verbally vomit all the gory details! After reading that portion of the book, though, and having a friend give me that same word one evening as I was emotionally vomiting, I realized that this IS part of the journey. God walks us through times like these and strips away many of our other supports to make us dig deep within ourselves, turn to Him and build our faith. Again bringing us back to...seeing things from the perspective of Heaven. It's such a better view from there!

Blessings and smiles,

Busy Days

2011-09-30T23:20:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? It seems that when I get caught up on computer stuff, I fall behind in laundry, and when I get caught up in laundry, I fall behind in all the other cleaning that needs to be done. This continues on and on sort of like the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" book! It is a funny sort of cycle that is a perfect representation of my life right now! I am always doing one thing to end up behind in another! That is what leads me back to posting nearly three weeks later! Oh well...for a season this is my life. Who knows what God has in store for the next season!

We have been busy with a very full schedule. Selah started in a new preschool three weeks ago. The other preschool was good, but not the right fit for Selah. We began seeing her fall apart every day after school and have tantrums and fits of rage. It would last each day for about 2 hours until I could finally get her to take a nap and then she would wake up much happier. After talking with her therapist and knowing in my heart, we realized that the old school environment had too many similarities to orphanage life. I had hesitated in the beginning, but we decided to have her attend the school because we had hopes of getting some of her therapies through the school district. That didn't happen and I just didn't have the fight in me. It was a blessing in disguise, though, because the moment I walked into the front doors of her new preschool, I knew we had found home. The gals at the front couldn't have been more wonderful. They were so eager to love Selah and learn all they could to help her. We toured the school for a while and just loved the atmosphere. I was so thrilled to hear the Jesus music playing! Before we left the ladies prayed with Selah and it brought tears to my eyes. At the time, though, there wasn't an opening, but two days later we received a call saying that an opening was available! She has been flourishing in this environment! We are so happy for her and for us :-)

Four days out of the week, Selah has either speech, OT, PT, or swimming right after school. Wednesdays we head up to Phoenix Children's Hospital where she has back to back PT/PT therapy. It is a drive and makes for a very long day, but Selah and I both LOVE her therapists! It would be hard to change. Last week we also had a follow-up with the orthopedic doctor. Her spine has increased from a 32 degree curve, to a 50 degree curve in just four months. Not good news. I was expecting some progression, but not that much. The Marfan's Syndrome is responsible for the extreme progression. The doctor had her fitted for a brace that will hopefully stop the progression until she is at the right age to undergo surgery. We should get the brace next week. Pray that she adjusts to it well and isn't too extremely angry about it...and that it stops the progression. This week we also saw the ophthalmologist for another follow-up and instead of any improvement, her strabismus is getting worse. The Marfan's is again the culprit. The doctor explained that surgery would be necessary at some point and that it was up to us to chose now or later. He is a very well known doctor here and quite confident in his work! (Surprisingly, I actually liked this attitude!) We decided to have it done now. At least we can get something behind Selah in the medical arena. It is scheduled for November 4th. Next month we see the cardiologist again and will determine what meds Selah will take and if or how much her aortic stem is enlarging. I still have not got her into the dentist...I know she will completely fall apart at someone going into her mouth. Sensory-wise, it will be so traumatic. I can see all the decay and I know they will probably need to do a lot of work. Ugh! It amazes me how resilient and happy this little girl is despite all the poking and prodding done to her on a consistent basis! God has some mighty things planned for our little one! Our little fighter!

Emotionally, we have seen a tremendous improvement. We did decide to turn to some conservative medications which I was apprehensive about, but after seeing the dramatic change in her emotional composure and happiness, I knew it was the right thing to do. Her emotions had continued to be such high high highs immediately followed by low low LOWS. The swings left everyone emotionally exhausted. I had always felt like I was walking on eggshells because I couldn't always pick what would set her off...and helping her come up out of the low place was close to impossible. But for the grace of God! I don't know where we would be without Him as our rock. God has filled us with strength when we didn't know where it would come from. He has been there every step of the way. Now, though? We see the Selah we knew was in there. She still gets mad and pouts and has control issues. However, we get to play with and love on a happy, giggly, silly little girl so many more hours of the day. Seeing her smile and joy so much more throughout the day, makes my heart fill with happiness! This week she almost fell asleep in my arms...but then she realized what was happening and she jumped up and pushed me away. But it was HUGE progress!

Selah loves her book time before bed!

The boys have finished the first quarter of school and will have two-and-a-half weeks off. Yippee! They both did great this quarter. Conferences were a joy and report cards were super! We are so proud of their hard work. They are both in basketball. Landon is on a recreational team which entails one practice and one game on Saturdays. Zach is on a traveling team which has two practices a week and two weekends a month of tournaments which usually entails four games over the weekend. Bryan and I have been splitting up for their games. Selah can handle one game well, but more than that is just not good for her. One of us stays home with Selah and the other heads to the games. We try to take turns so each of us see at least one of the games each weekend. Wednesday nights is church night. The youth programs at our church are outstanding. The boys LOVE going there. They do the homework without a complaint and amaze me with how they memorize their verses so easily! Memorizing anything has always been a weakness for me! Otherwise, they continue to be such wonderful big brothers. So often, I find myself in tears watching them love on their sister. God has given us so much grace in that area. I am so thankful for the way He prepared their hearts. They teach me many lessons along our journey!

Thoughts About My Special Treasures

2011-09-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited about my new blog design! Tenille at The Cutest Blog on the Block designed it for me. I tried and tried...but am hopeless, but so VERY thankful for those with special gifts and talents like Tenille! I smile so big each time I open up my page and see our family complete! A special reminder of God's awesome goodness!

God seems to always be using each of my children to speak to me in different ways. Through Selah He teaches me all about His timing and His power of healing in life...and about miracles. Through Landon, He teaches me about how He places hearts with a never ending capacity to love and protect no matter how rough, tough, or messy a little boy may be…and He teaches me about surrendering to the mess. (I am SUCH a work in progress in that area). Finally, through Zachary, He teaches me about how He designs our hearts and minds to be specifically ours. He has shown me what grace looks like when we have had a bad parenting moment and He has given me insight to a heart that moves with wild abandonment when convicted with a passion. Through all of my children He is daily giving me glimpses and whispers into what His love, grace, comfort, and passion looks like. Each of my sweet babies gives me the gift of knowing God more and more each day.

With that said, I just have had to share this special little Zachary moment! That kiddo always seems to manage to catch me off guard! He so often can carry on like a wild child, wrestling with his little brother and making impulsive choices that get him into trouble, and then he does something so amazingly sensitive it makes me want to cry! One night, before bed, (or actually when he was supposed to be asleep!) Zach felt moved to write each of his family members a note. He left one for Daddy on his pillow alongside one for me on my pillow. It simply told us how much he loved us and thought we were the best parents ever. Simple and sweet. For his brother, who was already sound asleep, he left a note AND two small coveted Lego creatures. Landons’ note was a little more detailed. He told his brother that he thought he was the best brother ever and that he knew they would be best friends forever! And finally, for Selah, he left his prized bunny (the very one he won all by himself playing the claw game) and a precious letter that so touched my heart! That night, I had been exhausted and not feeling a lot of peace or joy in my day…but the love of God that was demonstrated in my sweet boy's actions made me go to sleep without a doubt about the presence of God in each and every day. The exhaustion sometimes causes me to not feel Him, but on that particular night, He used my son to show me just how much He was right there in the midst of it all and lovingly creating beauty out of my chaos!

But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14

Blessings and smiles,

Steady Steps

2011-08-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

Selah is developing and growing with slow but steady steps. It is so fun when those little “aha” moments happen…the ones that to most people may be taken for granted, but to many who have adopted a toddler or older child, they are moments of pure joy! One of those very moments happened just the other day, as we were driving home from dropping the boys off at basketball practice. I begin to hear Selah talking to herself. You see, this, in itself, caught my immediate attention because it has never happened before! Be assured that this little princess LOVES to talk…like REALLY LOVES TO TALK. As in from the moment she wakes to the moment she sleeps! Her preference is to direct about 95% of her conversation at me. I do have a sneaking hunch that this is contributing to my current brain condition...the one where my brain feels like a jumbled mess of unconnecting brain connections! But, back to the car scenario. To talk to herself? Never. Therefore, I immediately look back through the review mirror and what do I see? I see my sweet girl holding two little smurfs (from Happy Meals, of course) and she is having them jump down from her carseat into an imaginary pool! Did you catch that word? Yes….IMAGINARY! Sweet Selah, for the first time had used her imagination and was truly PLAYING! It was a moment to praise God in a great big way! J Since then, she has been engaging in a lot more imaginative play. Soon thereafter, she set up barbies, other dolls, and a stuffed Scooby Doo all around a little table to enjoy a meal together. I got a picture of that one! It was the first time while in the playroom she didn’t just repeat something we had played with her, but rather she put her own personal little twist of imagination into it! And just yesterday she created a huge display of matchbox cars and trucks arranged on top of and all around a large structure created by using those big colorful cardboard blocks! I am so incredibly thankful and encouraged by see her finding ways to play independently and to see her little imagination developing.

Her English is coming along as well. She understands so much and is learning new words every day. She is often very difficult to understand, though. I understand almost all of what she says, but most people cannot. It is just like when our boys were learning to speak at around age 2-3 and I could understand everything they were saying, but others would not. Is this something any of you are finding as well? Selah was considered speech delayed in Bulgarian and the orphanage staff said that she never really said many words at all. In four months, though, she can say at least 100 English words and phrases! I am believing the pronunciation will come in time! The fact that she has already surpassed her language performance in Bulgaria (in a mere 4 months!) is a miracle and testimony to God’s goodness!

She has also made huge strides in attachment. Her indiscriminate affection has almost completely disappeared. She doesn’t even try to kiss new people anymore! It is kind of like it happened overnight! One day she was doing it, and then the next day it seemed she was all done! Praise God!

Also in the area of attachment, I feel like some of her walls have been crumbling with me. It feels as though she is resisting me less and being less oppositional. There are definitely many moments in the day where she is desperately trying to maintain control by doing the exact opposite of what I have asked or of what is expected, but they have lessened considerably. I am so thankful for the healing that is happening in her heart. I know it can’t feel good for her, by any means, to be so hyper vigilant about each moment of the day. It definitely hurt me as well because as much as you can know the “whys” to her behaviors of rejection and opposition, after a length of time, you begin to put up your own set of walls without truly realizing it. In order to deal with her emotions and the constant confrontation, I needed to detach a bit in the sense of not taking her actions personally. But, when you detach to not take these behaviors personally, it becomes easy to detach somewhat emotionally as well which is not good at all. When these children are pushing us away and displaying these detached and oppositional behaviors, it is when they most need their family to lavish the love. It is a tough place to be in for everyone involved! Thankfully, though, God has been healing her broken little heart more each day. This in turn is allowing her to accept my love and to trust me just a little more with each hurdle we cross. He is healing Selah and, in turn, changing me. He is a good God!

He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; He snapped their chains. Let them praise the Lord for His great love and for the wonderful things He has done for them. For He broke down their prison gates of bronze; He cut apart their bars of iron. Psalm 107:14-16 (NLT)

Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;He got you out in the nick of time. He led you out of your dark, dark cell, broke open the jail and led you out. So thank God for His marvelous love, for His miracle mercy that He gives to the children He loves; He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors. He snapped the prison bars like matchsticks! Psalm 107:14-16 (The Message)

A Beautiful Surprise!

2011-08-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

The other day I received an amazing gift! Our very dear friends happen to be very close friends with an absolutely amazing photographer. Jennifer of Jennifer Jones Photography is not only an amazing photographer, but simply an amazing woman. She puts so much thought and prayer into every shoot and it is so obvious when you get the opportunity to view her work. Well....our friends, Coleen and Bill, arranged for Jennifer to be at the airport when we got home with Selah! We hadn't seen any of the work yet because all of our lives seem to take on these crazy twists and turns. BUT, this week I was given the most beautiful video EVER! We all sat and watched it and of course I was bawling and even sweet little Landon said, "Mom, this just makes me cry remembering that special day!"

A couple of my favorite shots were of my mom and Selah. In the very beginning of our journey (even long before we started the paperwork) my mom and not really been on board with our decision to pursue adoption. She just couldn't understand why we would take any chances when we had a strong, happy family already. But, the pictures you will see will show you just how powerfully God works! He is so awesome! My mom grew to love Selah even after the very first photo we saw of her. It was the photo we saw when we tried to get her referral the FIRST time! Mom felt just as we did! This little girl was meant to be ours. Then, over time, mom became just as excited and crazy in love with Selah as we were! The pictures of their first meeting are precious! Then there are the photos of sweet Landon waiting ever so patiently for us to bring his little sister home to him...precious. The peek-a-boos with Grandpa Bob (Bryan's Dad) are so sweet, too. And finally, as I sat with my precious baby girl in my lap and could feel the peace in her little soul as she relaxed in my arms and saw her healthy rosy cheeks(our Friday check-up revealed a 7 pound gain to bring her to 36 pounds now!) and enormous smile....it seemed an eternity ago that we brought home the Selah with the exhausted and frail little face. Only 3 1/2 short months ago she was a little one filled with rage who bit, scratched, and hit. She was a little one so weak that she could hardly get up and down our steps. She was a little one that screamed and rocked in terror for nearly 48 hours without sleeping. And now? Remember that verse from Joel? God will give back all that the locusts have taken...? He is giving it back day by day! This beautiful video reminded me of all the work He has, is, and will continue to do! He has plans for our sweet princess and I am so excited to witness all the victories of her life!

Thank you so much, Jennifer, for sharing your amazing gift with our family! What a treasure you have given us!

Note- It is HD quality so it takes a little longer to download.

Blessings and smiles,

School Days Once Again!

2011-07-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

School has already started here in Arizona! The summer went by so quickly, but it really is a good schedule most of the time! It is so hot here in the summer the children can't play outside unless they are in the pool, and even that is too hot sometimes! Because our summers are shorter, the kids get two weeks off in October, at Christmas, and in March. It is beautiful here during those months so it really is more enjoyable for the children. This year, though, our boys were not ready to go back. We spent the last weekend in Colorado for a Schumaker family reunion and they were so upset at not being able to stay and have fun with their cousins. Our extended family is quite spread out, so they miss not being with family and this time seeing their tears, made ALL of us cry!

The reunion was so much fun. I feel very blessed to have married into such an amazing family. There are a gazillion Schumakers and they all have the best time together! Mary C and Francis and all their children and grandchildren organized the event and did an amazing job! So much work went into it! Selah got to meet everyone for the first time and she did so well! She charmed everyone with her smiles and sassy, but funny, little attitude. Even a life spent living in an orphanage could not take that amazing spunk out of her spirit! Praise God! Life back at home and school, has been a little more challenging after the weekend, but I think after a few days of adjustment she will be on track again.

Monday morning we took all three of our sweet kiddos to school. Zach is in fourth grade this year and preparation was so different this year for him! It feels like he has grown up overnight. He has never worried about what he was wearing, how his hair looked, or what kind of shoes he wore. This year that all changed! I am thanking God for his age appropriate development and the independence he is developing....but, I'm not to crazy about the drama involved in it all! The child would have worn a paper bag last year and now this year he was nearly in tears Sunday night making sure he looked "cool". REALLY?! Ugh. But, the drama opened the door for a great teaching moment about life and friends and how getting approval from others will never satisfy our desire to be loved. We talked about how all friends are human and will disappoint him and hurt him, some more than others. That is why we live for Jesus....He will never waiver in His love for us. I'm tryin' to "train them up"...really, I am!

Landon entered first grade and, thank goodness he dressed in whatever I picked out! lol! His shirt had a shark on it, so all was good in his world! He thought his brother's drama was waaaay over the top! :-)
He loves his new teacher and had a great first day!

And, our sweet Selah started pre-school as well! She seemed to do well on Monday and didn't have hardly any fears. Our worry more often is that she doesn't show any separation anxiety. I will be thankful for the day she is hanging on my leg and crying that she doesn't want me to leave! She did seem to get a little nervous and hugged me tight (which I was relieved to have happen), so I am praying that her true attachment to us is developing. I am hoping and praying that this will be a positive experience for her and that she will flourish in the classroom. I am praying the teacher is filled with compassion and love for our sweet girl and is capable of walking her through her struggles. We have been blessed with such amazing therapists so far, so I am praying for more favor in this area for Selah!

Below are a few photos from some July fun!

Happy 4th of July!

Zach found a recipe and decided he wanted to prepare this delicious dessert. It was much harder than he thought....guess who ended up preparing it? It was very yummy, though!

Her laughter is contagious!

Waiting for fireworks.

On the water slide with Zach!

One tired little boy...I've never thought to put my head IN the pillowcase to sleep!

Catching lizards...what more can I say?

Princess for a day!

Selah with her cousin Jadyn in Colorado.

Back to school!

I love the contrast of the sports backpacks and Selah's Tinkerbell!

One a random note, I really need to change my blog design since there aren't any pictures of Selah and the boys look so young, but I know little to nothing about the process. The gal that designed mine a few years ago is no longer designing. I think I am going to tackle it and see what I can come up with! In the meantime, there could be some major construction disasters! If anyone has any tips as far as great websites or places to go to learn about web design, I'd love to hear them!
Blessings and smiles,

Catching Up

2011-07-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Yikes! Once again, time has managed to escape me and another day passes where I say..."I will definitely post tomorrow!" Hmmm.....I'm thinking my accuracy rate in the "tomorrows" may not even be floating above 0%!

So much has been happening! I'll try to give a brief description of a few events!

The school year ended and I cannot believe the boys will be in 4th and 1st grades next year! They had a great year with wonderful teachers. I know God was watching over us when He gave them the teachers they had. Each one knew just how to teach, encourage, and love the boys during the exciting times and during the tough times. It was a year they will never forget!

Selah has been doing really well. She amazes me each day with all that she is learning. It is truly amazing to see her little heart healing and her walls coming down. I think back to the beginning when she would only allow me to hold her in a very specific way...a way that gave her a feeling of still being in control. I am someone who loves with hugs and kisses and cuddles. I am simply wired that way. Therefore, it was really difficult for me when she wouldn't allow me to cuddle her, or rub her back to comfort her. To her, that touch was scary. It meant letting down her guard and surrendering her survival instinct. Fast forward two-and-a-half months, and we see a little girl who wants me reaching back to put my hand on her leg or foot when we are in the car! She gets quite dismayed when I say I just cannot continue the contortion move for very long! And just the other night, I was lying next to her on the floor as she was playing with Zach's old train set ( :-) ) and she scooted over to me, put her little back next to my hand and signaled for me to rub her back. It was precious. So, we continue to celebrate each of these milestones and praise God for the healing work He is doing in her!Are there still really rocky times? Yes! Most definitely. But now, we are all in a better place. We have all been healing and getting our "tanks" filled back up. We know that the hurdles are there, but they will pass and we will be stronger on the other side. And most of all, God has already shown us miracles in our little girl...and we are truly claiming His Word that says He will return all that has been taken away from her, and as my bloggy friend, Shelly reminded me, "He knows the way that Selah will take, when he has tried and tested her, she will come forth as GOLD. She will shine so brightly...Jesus, before the beginning of time, knew that she would have a rough start in life, but that she would come through it as precious, shiny gold." (Job 23:10).

Shining like precious gold...and sharing lots of joy and love with Daddy!

We finally got in to see the cardiologist last Friday. He confirmed that Selah does have Marfan's Syndrome and her aorta has been affected. Right now it is enlarged by about 2.5 cm. I guess that when it reaches 4 cm, they need to operate to replace it. For now, we monitor her heart closely. In 4 months we will go back to see if there is any change. He wanted to track it a bit without medication to see what it is doing, but at that point, he will want to put her on a medication that slows the enlargement process down. Because of this, Selah will never be able to play in any competitive sports. She can play leisurely, but not to a degree that would exert her heart too much. That could cause an aortic aneurysm. I know that God had His hand in this as well, though.He has blessed with an amazing musical gift. She can hear a song and may only know a couple of words from the whole thing, but can sing it from beginning to end with all bridges and choruses included! It is precious! Her favorites are the ABC Song, Jesus Loves Me, and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star! I believe this gift will help her to heal any frustration or hurt that she may experience by her limitations. The boys are so athletic and sports is their life, so I know there may come a day she resents not being able to do the things they can do. As much as I wish she could have the chance to make her own decisions about what to pursue, I am confident that God will make a way!

The big news is that we took a family vacation! You are going to think we are plum crazy when I tell you where...but we do have good reason for our madness and the trip ended up being a wonderful thing for our whole family! You see, we live in Arizona. It is unbearably HOT here in the summer. It is even too hot right now to hang out in a pool! We have the mountains to drive to in order to get out of the heat, but our beautiful mountainous region here has been under attack by horrible fires. Things are so hot and dry, fires easily start by the least little spark. So, our other driving option is California. So, off to California we went and, yup...you guessed it...Disney Land! It is only about a 6 hour drive and then we can have beach time, too! Well, we were a little leery, but Selah absolutely loved the Easter Bunny at the Mall and LOVES stuffed cuddlies (just like our boys :-) ). We had a feeling she would love the characters...and thankfully we were right! She absolutely adored the characters and the rides. The lines and waiting for her turn? Not so much! She did have several meltdowns, but she usually does throughout each day, so really it wasn't any worse other than we were in public! Here are a few of photos from Disney.

After Disney, we headed north and stayed in Ventura on the beach for a few more days. Once we got to the beach and had some time to just relax, Selah loved the sand. She did NOT like walking in it, but she loved sitting, digging, and sifting through it! It was very relaxing and therapeutic for her. The funniest part was when this enormous and shaggy dog came down to the beach with his owner and while the owner was chatting away on his telephone, his dog decided to take care of business on our masterpiece sand castle! Selah and I were standing nearby and Selah just kept saying "Uh-oh!" "Uh-oh!" "Uh-oh!" Then Landon came running over and he was rightfully annoyed with both the owner and the dog! After all, he had worked a very long time alongside his brother and father making this sand castle a masterpiece!!!!! I guess the dog thought it looked like the perfect spot....

This is just how much she did NOT like walking in the sand!

Zach is always simply amazing with his little sister.

Ahhhhh....finally getting to just sit in the sand!

One of those rougher moments...but, really, that pouty little lip almost makes us laugh!

And here is the magical smile that seems to light up the world!

So much fun in the sand.

The boys are like fish! They LOVE the water so much!

On a sad note, we just lost our beloved dog, Cisco. He was with us for almost 16 years and was such an incredible little guy! He will be deeply missed. We have some wonderful memories of our furry little friend and he brought us lots of joy and laughter throughout the years! The boys are taking it very hard right now. This is their first experience with grief. They have shed many tears and it breaks my heart to see their pain. We are praying for their comfort, and for God’s glory to shine through their pain.

I also wanted to share a link from a trauma therapist who specializes in adopted and foster children and aspects of RAD. I love what she has to say. It has helped me understand so many more of the behaviors Selah demonstrates. This therapist has a book called, “Learning the Dance of Attachment - An Adoptive Parent's Guide to Fostering Healthy Development" which I really found helpful as well. It is easy to read and very informative. It helps in recognizing the behaviors that are due to attachment or trauma issues and gives you easy games, exercises, and activities to enable you to rebuild that platform for your child.
Permanence by Holly van Gulden - This link will bring you to one short video, but from there you can find several others from Holly that I think could really be helpful. There have been so many behaviors from Selah that I never would have connected to attachment issues. It has helped me to understand and then develop a plan..rather than fumble along and lose more precious time.

I am REALLY going to do my very best to post more often so that these posts don’t have to get soooooo long! Selah is going to start a preschool program on July 25^th so I will be at a point where I will have a moment to myself again! Maybe my brain will regroup and I’ll be able to put a coherent thought on paper more frequently! I have been so happy to see so many more children going home with their families. It may be a rocky road filled with bumps, curves, ups, and downs...but to earn the love and trust of a child who once believed no one could ever be trusted and to see their eyes begin to sparkle the way God designed them to, is worth every single step along that very rocky road!

Matthew 19:26, “Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” (NIV)

Blessings and smiles,

There is a Princess Turning Five!

2011-05-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

Selah is turning five tomorrow! We actually had a little mini-celebration on Friday because her grandma was in town from Kansas. She was adorable all day singing "Happy Birthday" to "deewa Sewah"! She didn't quite have the words, but she nailed the melody line perfectly! A very precious memory.

We decided not to do anything big at all because a lot of people and excitement still seem to really overwhelm her. Even our very small gathering of my parents and Bryan's mom along with presents, a princess cake (that she picked out :-) ), and ice cream was enough to cause her to become very anxious. She was very happy, but we can always see it when she starts to "deregulate". I learned that big word from our therapist! It is the perfect description for when she goes from a somewhat calm state into this place of super hyperactivity which would then lead to a meltdown. At least we were able to calm her by jumping into her night time routine before she had the meltdown and she even slept pretty well.

I know it has been such a long time since I have posted. My weak excuse is that I am simply wore out. I think part of it is that I am not as young as I used to be, and as cute and sweet and adorable and as absolutely crazy in love we are with her, she is a handful! She shows me so much love and affection one moment and the next she is testing me to the extreme. I so wish I knew what her thoughts were. I wish I could tell her just what she needs to hear to give her peace and chase her fears away...but I can't. I am just not sure why she does many of the things she does, but I do know that whatever the reason, she has a very valid reason for doing them. The longer I live out the reality of adoption, I truly understand so much more. I thought I understood before, but not until now, can I fully comprehend everything your child and your family goes through. Selah is a miracle. Her spirit so bright and her smile and joy so contagious. I can't get through a grocery store without getting stopped several times by people commenting on her smile. She seems to just draw in everyone she meets. To think of the life she had, the traumas she may have experienced, the deep grief, and then to see her smile and the joy she spreads to so many around her is simply a miracle. She shines the light of Jesus brightly from within and I firmly believe He will continue to heal her both physically and emotionally.

We have spent a great deal of time with specialists. We, of course, started with our Pediatrician and from there we were sent to a huge list of specialists. We are waiting on some tests for absolute confirmation, but what has been found is that Selah has Marfan's Syndrome. It is a disease of the connective tissue. Read about it here. It would account for the scoliosis that we noticed when we first picked her up, her super flexibility, her super long legs, and dislocated lenses that were just found last week. We see the cardiologist soon to determine the extent of damage, if any, to her heart. With Marfan's, the scariest part is that it can cause the aorta to enlarge and an anneurism to occur. If there is noted enlargement, there are meds to help keep it from enlarging more and then we would have to make sure she does not participate in competitive sports. If no damage is found, she can participate in whatever she likes and we would just continue to monitor to catch if any enlargement ever begins.

At this time, like I mentioned, Selah's lenses are dislocated and we will need to monitor her eyes closely to watch for detachment of the lenses or of the retina. Right now she can see through her lenses, but the dislocation has caused astigmatism which is why she is now wearing glasses. She picked out the cutest little pink ones (of course!) and really seems to like wearing them for the most part. Praise God!

Other than that, we have begun speech, occupational, and physical therapy. The strides she is making is absolutely amazing! She is a completely different little girl than the one we brought home 8 weeks ago. Again, watching the miracle of our little Selah, is such a gift...the gift of watching God work. There are still times when the load seems too heavy...when she pushes me away or throws things at me for the one thousandth time in a day...when the boys have behavior that is reflective of an exhausted Mom with her bucket of patience on empty...when Bryan's work keeps him gone for too many hours with no relief...or when I find out about one more specialist I must try to schedule into our very full day. Those are the days I cry....and then feel guilty for crying because my blessings are so many. And then, those are the days when I am reminded that in Jesus there is no condemnation and that He really begins His work when I finally let go and simply stop trying to make it all happen myself. Those are the days that He reminds me of His love and forgiveness and He shows me the beauty of the moment. He shows me that He is our Redeemer and Healer of all and He is there with us in each moment.

Blessings and Smiles,

One Month!

2011-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

As I sit and reflect today on the last month, so many things come to mind! I have stared into the eyes of our little princess so many times today and watched her smile and heard her giggle over and over. I am simply in awe of her resiliency and in awe of our awesome God Who has been working so faithfully in her little heart and mind...and in ours. The first couple of weeks pushed us to limits that were stretched beyond anything I could have ever thought possible for any of us. Then progress began. Selah began to lay her burdens down. She began to let us love her in the moments of pain. It was still so hard, harder than I ever dreamed, but God kept giving me glimpes of His work and He worked in so many ways to reassure all of us. He worked through those around us loving us and sometimes just happening to say the very word of encouragement we needed to hear at that very moment.

Last week Selah came down with a cold which she seemed to have the worst. We all had the sniffles and didn't feel spectacular, but I think because her little immunity system was down with all the stress, she caught it and had the worst symptoms. Her nose is still running and she sounds congested. But, when she first caught the cold, she was pretty frustrated with it and it just made her plain old grumpy! Sweet Zach told me that morning that he just knew that this was actually a blessing from God because it would give Selah the chance to see how much better it is to be cared for and loved by a Mommy when you are sick. He said she was just going to love me more after this was done...and followed it with a "You'll see, Mom!". My sweet and insightful little guy...he is such a wise little soul who so often knows just the right words to make me feel better!

Well, anyway, the week wasn't the best...it was very exhausting, but in the midst we certainly did see growth in so many areas! She laid back in my arms for the first time that week. It was only a few moments and she had to jump back up, but she did it and since then has been surrending to my love and care even more. Then came Saturday night. To make a long story short, because of her extreme anxiety and stress and not sleeping for almost 48 hours, our doctor gave Selah something to help her sleep. It worked so well and allowed her to get some sleep so that she could deal with each new day and its new set of stimuli. Saturday night, we needed to start the new bottle which had been refilled. Within 20 minutes her personality changed and she raged and raged and cried and cried. She had an adverse reaction because the prescription had been slightly changed. It was awful. We found out later that a very small percentage of the young and the elderly can have this reaction. We called the doctor and after a few hours figured out what had happened and got the right medication which eventually helped and by Monday morning she woke up with her sweet smile! It was all so scary, though, because we were trying to figure out what happened, what triggered these behaviors, and then finally realized about the meds. Bryan and I and the boys were all stretched to the very limits watching our sweet girl regress so much and not know what to do with all this rage.

We had scheduled and rescheduled and rescheduled family photos with Vicki Lynn who is the most amazing photographer and person! She is beautiful inside and out and talented beyond belief! I was bound and determined to make this shoot...even with Selah still pretty unhappy! Our shoot was at 5:00 pm so it had been several hours for the medicine to get out of her system and for the new one to take effect. I continued to have faith that we would make it and at about 4:00 pm we started getting a couple of smiles out of her that would be followed a few minutes later by her favorite phrase which is "No More Mommy!!!!" said with all the feisty emotion one could create! It kinda makes me smile now, even though I of course always tell her "we don't talk to Mommy that way"! Anyway....we headed out to the shoot and it was a challenge, but we had moments of where our sweet girl was shining happy and moments where she was ticked at the world! But, she did love Miss Vicki and had plenty of hugs for her! At the close of the shoot, I was a bit nervous and wondered how the pictures would come out...and last night Vicki sent me the photos and created a slideshow. I sat there and cried because even with all that was going on she was able to capture our love for Selah and her love for us. It was such a gift to me because it showed me that even in the worst of days, we are all a family and our love still shines through! I won't say anymore...just watch!

O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8

http://www.vickilynnphoto.myshowit.com/lb/index.html

We Really Are Alive...Just Quiet!

2011-04-30T00:56:00.000-07:00

Sigh....I cannot believe I am actually sitting with my computer on my lap after 11:00 pm with some remaining daily allotted brain cells! I will probably regret my late hours tomorrow, but it really feels great right now! :-)

Life has been more exhausting than I ever could have dreamed! Our sweet Selah has turned our worlds upside down :-) When I look at her cute little face with those round little cheeks, big black eyes, and all 34 pounds (she has already gained 4 pounds with us!)...it just does not seem possible that she could run the Schumaker house hands down! But....in her own little way, she surely does!

She has come so far in the last 25 days. Each day I see the little girl she was meant to be coming out from behind the fear a little more. Each day I see her walls fall down a little more. And each day, we see her turning to one of us just a little bit more instead of one of her learned orphanage behaviors when she is facing a moment of rage, pain, or stress.

Has it been rough? Yes. Definitely. But honestly, I think that the hardest part comes from inside myself. I look at this little girl and I want to do her so much justice. I want to be the Mommy that can kiss all the hurt away. I want to fix her world for her. The yuck that creeps up in me, though, way too often, is the yuck that says "you are not equipped". Those are the darkest moments. It's the ones where I sit in a heap and cry because I just witnessed an ache so big inside a little girl so small and I was unable to make it better.Those are the moments I cry and beg God for the wisdom...to equip me to be the Mommy she needs. In those moments I am so aware of my glaring inadequacies and I am evermore aware of how the healing power of God works. It does not work because of me, but in spite of me. I try so hard to hear Him and follow His guidance. I want so desperately to be the conduit He uses to heal every little emotional and physical ache our baby feels, but the truth is that I am not always able to even be that. Messing up is part of being human and part of being a Mommy, but this time around, I feel the pressure is at another level. She has been failed over and over again in her 4 little years of life and even if my failures are not even similar to the failures she has endured, my heart can often not bear to think of failing her in any way.

I know...heavy stuff. That is why it has taken so long for me to write. I always fear putting the heavy stuff out there because I would never ever want anyone to fear adoption or turn away from a calling on their life to adopt. I also would never want anyone to ever think we have regrets. We don't. Selah is our precious treasure. She is such a blessing and I thank God for giving her to us...for allowing me to be her mommy!

On a happy note, we have just had two nights where she actually fell asleep laying flat! She needed to rock for a couple of minutes, but we have been trying to put pressure on her back with our hand while she rocks (which really annoys her), and then these last two nights, she simply flopped back laid flat, and looked at me like I was super annoying, but, praise God, went to sleep! It is so amazingly wonderful! This is the same little girl that stayed awake for almost 48 hours straight.. rocking many of them. The same little girl that rocked for 12 hours straight and if we tried to touch her, screamed as if we were causing her physical pain. It is also the same little girl who progressed from that to sleeping but only when rocking herself to sleep and then remaining in an upright position the entire night. That same little girl has gone from that in gradual steps to the going to sleep while flat on her back and my arm gently touching her. I call that amazing progress! I call that our amazing God! It leaves me so encouraged for what is to come!

There are so many other happy moments and great things, too. She is understanding so much English. She is speaking a few isolated words and phrases, but her comprehension is amazing! She has really warmed up to the boys and doesn't seem to fear them anymore (or our dog!). She looks to Zach as her protective "big" brother and is allowing him to care for her a little rather than just play. He loves that! She is also connecting with Landon much better, as well.

She is still an adventurous little soul and it makes us smile so big! I have to be very careful though, because too much could cause a huge meltdown. I am getting better at reading her signals better though and I can tell when something is not comfortable for her.

On a funny note, she likes to touch everything...including people. All people. We might be walking by someone and she sees bling on the back end of someones jeans and she hesitates not a second to go see exactly what that bling feels like! Hmm...there is an embarrassingly funny story that goes with that one! ;-)

Also, I feel we have really been blessed with the doctors that God has placed in our lives. Our pediatrician and her whole office staff is amazing! They have also connected us with the best of specialists for all the areas we need to focus and we have appointments lined up. We also have been seeing an absolutely amazing Children's Trauma therapist who works almost exclusively with adoptive and foster children. She is an amazing Christian woman and has been such a blessing in our life.

All in all...we serve an amazing God Who is walking us through each little step and we are so thankful to Him for our little treasure. We see Him working miracles each day and we feel Him comfort us in each moment of despair. God with us...Emmanuel.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach Good News to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

We started swimming lessons for therapy and she did great!

Hmmm.I'm thinking she has stolen the hearts of Grandma and Grandpa!

Big Brother Zach. A precious moment.

Love for Daddy while coloring Easter eggs.

Lovin' the Easter Egg hunt we made in our backyard!

Our family of 5! Easter Sunday at Church.

Landon and Selah...melt my heart!

Our little KU fan! Aunt Denise sent her this cute dress just 'cuz she knows how much Daddy loves KU!

Unfolding with the Power of God

2011-04-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3) - One of many verses I am claiming for my daughter.

Our transition has been rough...way rough, but as I watch my daughter be changed each day, I know that God's promises are reigning as truth in her life.

She is beautiful. She is precious. She is a treasure and I am so glad that God gave me her.

Her grief is immense and achingly intense and often my emotions feel as though they are completely raw. It hurts so badly to watch your child hurt and not be able to help them.

She is unfolding, though, each day. Her smiles are so bright...I personally think they light up the whole world! Each day I see a little more of who Selah is meant to be unfolding from beneath the layers of protection she has formed over the years. I am waiting with joy and anticipation for the awesome work of God to shine brightly for all the world to see! Someday, our princess is going to live with a freedom and confidence that is reflective of her knowledge that she is chosen, cherished, and beloved by not only her family, but by the God of the Universe. She will know that she is a princess to the King!

An amazing friend of mine has put together a massive document of foundational scriptures. Here are a handful of the ones I have been focusing on when I am praying over Selah. I thought I would pass them along to all of you. I think they are perfect for our little ones we are waiting to get and for the little ones snuggled safely in their beds right now. Enjoy!

Leviticus 26:6 I will give you peace in the land and you will be able to sleep without fear.

Leviticus 26:13b I have lifted the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk free with your heads held high.

Psalm 30:5b Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34:19 A righteous person faces many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.

Psalm 145:13b,14 The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, curing their pains and their sorrows.

Is 43:18-19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 53:4-5 Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him. And by His wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame, my people will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.

Joel 2:25 I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

Blessings and smiles,

Our Final Day in Bulgaria

2011-04-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

When I mentioned earlier that Selah liked to be out and seemed to have a spirit of adventure with no looking back, today once again proved my theory correct! We spent the day downtown walking throughout the historical and government area of Sofia. She loved walking and walking and then walking some more! We were able to see all the major churches and historical sites once again. When Bryan and I did that in one day back in September we never dreamed we would be able to conquer it again with Selah in tow! She way more than tolerates it, though, she absolutely loves being on the go! Our biggest complication is having a newly potty trained little girl who thinks it is so much fun to visit ALL the potties in town!

Actually, our most stressful times are in the apartment. I don't know why, but in there she gets very upset and filled with anxiety. I'm not sure what the correlation is...maybe just the close quarters or that we have minimal stuff here to occupy her. The apartment is a 2-bedroom, though, so it is definitely not overly small. I hope with a routine and more toys to play with at home, she will do better in the home.

I feel like we have had some major breakthroughs with Selah today. Even though it started as a miraculous bedtime, she ended up having another night with very little quality sleep. But, despite that fact, she started the day with a smile on her face. She has started singing with me again which has been so fun! We have a book with the song "BINGO" written into story format and she has the song down perfectly! Well....melodically anyway! The words and letters aren't anything that sounds even remotely similar (except for the "OOOOOOOOO"- yes..she really holds it that long!), but she sure has the melody down and sounds great! We also did some dancing today to a little Ricky Martin on VH1," Living la Vida Loca"! She loved it! I thought for sure Daddy would bust out the "Daddy Dance"...that will be a funny day! It is quite the move.... ;-)

I love this picture because I can see pure joy on the face of sweet girl. It is my favorite from the whole trip!!!!

Our flight leaves at 6:00 am and one of the ladies from VESTA will be picking us up at 3:30...ugh. But, it gets us into Phoenix at 6:00 pm so that should help the transition. It won't be too late and will give Selah some time after we get home to explore her new home and brother a little before crashing. I am praying for a safe and smooth flight with no delays and for our girl to sleep a little bit, at least, and not have delirious tantrums throughout the flight.

Ciao for now! Next stop, home!

P.S. Debby, I know you are leaving the states tomorrow and we will pass each other in the sky somewhere! Best wishes and many blessings on your visit! I am praying for you all!

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

Psalm 91: 11-12

Blessings and smiles,

A New Day

2011-04-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day in Bulgaria! The sun was shining and it must have been in the upper 60’s! We were finally able to head to the park and explore! It was such a blessing! Selah enjoyed herself so much and we so enjoyed being a family together. We talked of Landon often and missed having him with us to make our family complete. Zach kept talking about how much Landon would like the park and then spent about 15 minutes on Skype telling him all about it!

The park was gorgeous! Right now the trees are just beginning to bud and the flower gardens are being planted! I can only imagine how green and lush the area will be in only a few more weeks! Those of you traveling over the next few months will be in for such a treat! There were several paths and playgrounds throughout and even two outdoor “fitness stations”! The exercise equipment was really high-tech and in great condition and people of all ages were using them! Very impressive!

We also had our Embassy Interview today which was quite quick and easy. Everyone was very friendly and they just asked us a couple of questions. I was really happy to be able to locate the man that went to speak to our judge on our behalf. Without his efforts, who knows how much longer it would have taken to bring Selah home! They brought him out to meet us so that we could personally thank him and let him meet Selah.

Selah had a very good day today. When she woke up in the morning, she really seemed to pull away from me a lot. After a couple of hours, though, she warmed up again and became her usual loving and giggly little self! She brought us big smiles and really had a wonderful time playing with Zachary and Daddy at the park! I played some, as well, but I tend to be the memory keeper (aka photography and videographer!). It was really sweet to see her play so well with Zach. He again was the most awesome big brother ever. There are so many things that happen where he would NEVER cut his brother some slack over the issue, but for Selah there is an endless amount of that slack!! He even let her take his cherished “Lamby” to bed tonight! Lamby is Zach’s stuffed cuddly that he has had for years and it goes EVERYWHERE he goes. He has never slept without it and tonight he didn’t even flinch when he let her walk away with it to bed! That is love!

Speaking of bed…thank you for the prayers! We witnessed a miracle tonight! Selah cried her way to the bed tonight when we said it was bedtime and I thought for sure it would be another night like the others. But, I was sooooooo wrong and am sooooooo happy to admit it!!! She calmed down with Daddy reading a book and then our sweet girl went to sleep in about 15 minutes! Other nights we have tried both of us together with her then taking turns, but tonight we started with Daddy and my turn never came up! She hugged Lamby close and rocked herself with Bryan’s arms around her until she fell asleep. Huge praises to Jesus! She is still rocking and that may take a while to completely eradicate, but there were very few tears, she let her daddy hold her while she rocked, and it only took 15 minutes! We are so thankful!

Tomorrow is our last day in Sofia and then we have an early flight out on Saturday! We hope to spend some time downtown walking around for a while. Selah really loves the outdoors and exploring, so I think it will be a good day! We will hopefully get to bed early tomorrow night so that we won’t be more exhausted than necessary for the trip back! At 6:11 pm on Saturday we will land in Phoenix! We are so excited to go home! Hopefully I will get to post yet again tomorrow, but I just may be too swamped with packing and getting to bed early!

Thank you again for all the love and prayers!

Blessings and smiles,

A Whirlwind of Emotions....

2011-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

Wow! Another day has passed. But, tonight I actually have some energy after getting Selah to sleep to sit down at my computer and post!

Where do I start? I could ramble on forever about all the events and emotions over the last couple of days, but I honestly cannot figure out how to get it all down on "paper". There are the many many moments of laughter and giggles and cuddles that are so fun! For example, our sweet little gal who has never witnessed anything of the fashion world and never been exposed to what is "girly", has a PASSION for shoes, hair bows, clothing, sparkly jewelry, and clothing! Poor Bry, he is doomed! She spent the morning digging through her suitcase trying on each outfit, changing her shoes over and over and over, and oooing and awing over her pretty necklace, bracelet, and socks Grandma made! Then, since it was cold and rainy today, we went to the mall, where she was drawn to all the shoes, jewelry, and purses! I laughed so hard! Daddy already had to spend some money on a couple of things she just "had" to have!

She thinks her suitcase is fabulous! After pure exhaustion from trying everything on, she plops herself in it to take a break!

Zach has been so incredible. He loves his little sister so much and has unbelieveable patience and understanding. He is wise beyond his years in so many ways.

Outfit #5 complete with a sassy pose!

Then there is the fact that she fits in perfectly with our family in that she loves to be on the go! She gets stir crazy in the apartment just like we do! She keeps bringing me her coat and asking to "go". It is almost as if she is telling us that she has spent way too many days looking at the same walls and it is time to see the world! I just love that spirit!

That spirit has been shining brightly in more ways than one! It shines very brightly in the fact that she had approximately 36 hours of a "honeymoon" period! After that, she decided all was fair game! One small example is when she went over to the stove and turned it on. I told her "no touch, hot" (in Bulgarian, thanks Maire, for the phrases cd ;-) ) and about five minutes later she did it again! I again took her hand away and said "no touch, hot". About an hour later, she was standing next to Bryan and she ran quickly to the stove, turned it on, took a quick look at him, and then darted away and did her little rocking thing to comfort herself. So, she was testing us but at the same time worried about her misbehavior. Little stinker...but after we held her, looked into her eyes and told her the same thing again but with a little bit more emphasis, she didn't try it again. In so many ways she seems so little and as if she is not processing everything, but then when she does something like that I can tell she is processing A LOT and really testing to see how big our love is. I pray she will soon realize our love is waaaaaay BIG and we're never leaving....ever!

On the other hand, there are times that are absolutely tough. The nights are beyond what I could fathom. The fear and the heartache that come in her sobs leave me feeling so inept and so helpless. I just keep speaking the name of Jesus over her. I claim His promises for her life....I claim Him as her Peace, her Comfort, her Healer. I sing quietly in her ear. I hold on and hug her even when she pushes me away. I have realized why the director mentioned that the nights are not good. I fear what her nights have been like for so long. I fear the ache she has so deep in her soul, but I know that fear is not the answer. Like Bryan told me tonight, the past is the past and all we have is today and tomorrow and the next day. God will make a way...God will heal her broken places and open her heart wide to be filled with His love and our love. I cannot forget that...not even for a moment.

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers. Your love and prayers can truly be felt and I know that God is hearing them! Please don't stop them from comin' though! Please pray for all the open spaces of loneliness and insecurity to be replaced with a confident sense of belonging and a knowledge that she is a child created by a God Who only creates that which is beautiful and wonderful....and that she has been chosen long before the stars were ever even placed in the sky. Pray that whatever has hurt her soul during her life, be long forgotten because none of her past defines who she is today and in the future. Please pray that all of that hurt be replaced with joy...immeasurable joy!

Love to you all!

Blessings and smiles,

Immeasureable Joy!

2011-04-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am so sorry I didn't get any posting done last night! The good news is that one little princess wasn't letting go of me nor had she any plans of sitting still until I got her to sleep...and that required me laying with her which is not good on as little sleep as I have had!

Selah Day- April 4th, 2011 - a day of experiencing the goodness of God in amazing magnitude! We started the morning with a 7:30 pick-up by Petko and then stopped a couple of times for another parent and translator. We made a stop in Plovdiv to drop off the other parent and then headed to Narechenski Bani! I was so nervous the last few miles....I had butterflies in my stomach! Zachary was so cute. He was really nervous, too! As we winded through the mountains, we came around that last curve and there was the little village! And then...there was her orphanage!

We walked in and went to the director's office where we talked for a few minutes. Within ten minutes, Selah comes around the corner in the arms of one of the caregivers! I don't know if they handed her to me, or if she reached out to me, or if I just grabbed her out of their arms!!! All I know is that she was in my arms and I just couldn't hold her tighter. (and yes, of course, mush that I am, the tears were flowing) God confirmed in that moment, though, that He had prepared her heart and that she had never forgotten. Our prayers had been answered.

We were there for another 45 minutes or so asking questions and signing some paperwork. At first the assisstant director whom we had gotten to know on the last visit and loved so much, was not there. I was sad because we had hoped to see her and then at the very last minute she arrived! Someone had called her and told her we were there! She came in just to say "good-bye" to Selah and greet us. She is such a treasure and I know she was loving Selah well for us while we were gone.

Finally, it was time to leave! Yippee!! Again, God was so good. She didn't cry or even look back. She jumped in that car with us and was just as happy as could be! We drove for quite a while and then stopped for a late lunch. We were all starved by then, especially Selah! She was getting upset because of being tired and hungry and started wanting to comfort herself with the rocking. I know that it is the reality for orphans, but it still aches when I see it. I know that in time, though, we will be able to be her comfort.

Lunch was fantastic the child seriously ate more than Bryan! For anyone that knows Bryan, that is quite an accomplishment!!! She ate everything on her plate and a lot from everyone else's plate as well! She is not afraid to try new foods...for sure!

We arrived back in Sofia and went to the police station to apply for her passport. It was a smooth process and soon we were back at the apartment. By this time, though, it was around 5:00 pm. First thing on the agenda was a bath for sweet Selah. In her true spirit of adventure, she jumped right in and LOVED it! I brought baby lotion along and gave her a nice massage after which she loved, too! Then we dressed her in one of her special outfits and I had my first adventure with girl's hair! It was so fun because she sooooooo enjoyed it! She loves pretty things!

Next we Skyped with little L at home because he was heading to school shortly and we were so happy to see that he and Grandma and Grandpa were doing great! Our friends had stopped over the night before to fix the volume on the webcam for us! Our first night we hadn't been able to hear them, so our savy tech friends rescued us! Thanks, Kar and Isaac!

We then headed to the park and dinner and by the time we got home, Selah and the rest of the Schumakers were exhausted. The director had told me that Selah never lays down to sleep unless someone sits by her. If you leave her, she sits up and lays her body on her lap and rocks herself to sleep that way. They said she often sleeps sitting up.... So, pj time, kisses, prayers and snuggles went well, but sleeping did not. There were moments where Selah cried and my mommy heart wanted to make it all better, but all I could do was hold her and love her. I wish I knew exactly what the tears were about...just the difference of where she was? A grief over leaving everything she ever knew? Or was there even more? I may never know, but I do know that God met us there and as I whispered the name of Jesus over her again and again throughout the night, she finally calmed. She woke me up at 6:30 am with her hands on my cheeks, holding my face, looking into my eyes like just like my boys have since they were babies, and giving me the most precious kisses ever.

Now? We are all still in pj's trying to entertain our little busybody! She wants to check out EVEYTHING! There is nothing left unturned! She is so excited about life....and I am so thankful God has filled her heart with such resiliency and such unstoppable JOY!

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;let them sing joyful praises forever.Spread your protection over them,that all who love your name may be filled with joy. Psalm 5:11

We've Made It!

2011-04-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

We arrived safe and sound today without any delays! Our flights were smooth and connections all on time! Little Zach seemed to do fantastically and told us a number of times that it really wasn't that long at all! He doesn't like to sleep very much and usually doesn't unless forced to, or is in the quietness of his own room. Therefore, out of a total of 24 hours, our super energizer bunny slept zero minutes on the first stretch, 45 minutes across the ocean, and another 45 minutes from Munich to Sofia! He insisted he wasn't tired, but when we forced him to lay down, he zonked out and I don't know if he will make our Skype call with Landon and Grandma and Grandpa at home!!!!

Tomorrow morning VESTA is picking us up at 7:30 am to drive us to Selah's orphanage. By 10:30 our time (12:30am AZ time), she will be in our arms forever! Can it really be true? Pinch me if I'm dreaming!

Please pray with us that sweet Selah's heart will be prepared to know us and love us...that her fears will be quieted and that she will simply know that she is loved, cherished, and chosen by not only us, but by the God of the universe Who so perfectly created her with an amazing plan for her life.

"I will not leave you as orphans...." John 14:18

Now? We get to call home and Skype with little L and then I am showering and going to bed! Tomorrow is a big day :-)

Blessings and smiles,

Our Dreams are Coming True...Tomorrow we Travel!

2011-04-01T14:35:00.000-07:00

It's here! It's here! It's here!!! We are leaving TOMORROW to go get our baby girl and bring her HOME!!!

We are so incredibly excited and thankful that this day has come at last! There have been days when the mountains seemed so big and I grappled with how big our God is....but through it all, He has shown me time and time again that He WILL and DOES move every mountain that rises before us! WHICH reminds me of a great song :-)

Our very good friends came up with a song for each of their girls when they were born and so, of course, they found the perfect one for their daughter whom they adopted from China. I've loved it and think of it so often, but truly did NOT want to be a copycat! But, last week, on American Idol, the group performed "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and when I heard it, I couldn't even sit still...I thought I would burst! After all we have gone through to bring our Selah home, I want her to know that there just "ain't no mountain high enough, to keep us away from you, girl"!

Of course, I have to give you the lyrics, and you CAN'T just read them...promise me you will be singing! ;-) I KNOW you all know this song!!! Get out that hairbrush, or pencil, or whatever works as a microphone and sing it out just like you did when you were a kid! How can you not?

Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no valley low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby

If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry

'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you

Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way,some how

'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you

No wind, no rain

My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can

Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you

Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough

The mountains melt like wax before the Lord,before the Lord of all the earth. Psalm 97:5

BTW- I will be posting as often as possible from Bulgaria...depending on how much Miss Selah lets me :-)

Twelve More Days!.

2011-03-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

It is actually only ten more days until we travel, but "Gotcha' Day" is twelve more. So, ten days to get as much nesting accomplished as possible! I've been keeping very busy with checking off my "to-dos" on my looooooong list. It has been a bit tough, though, because we have a year-round school schedule so my boys are on their second week of spring break. They go back to school next Tuesday. I've been trying my best to simply enjoy them because I know that life will be very different in just a couple of weeks!

Tonight I called Selah. If I call at midnight, it is 10:00 am there. It is one of the timeframes that works well for the director and caretakers. Usually we call in the mornings, but my husband couldn't make the call with me in the morning, so I called on my own tonight while he was sleeping.

At first the call went very well. Selah was so happy and so full of giggles and "Mommy mommy, mommy"! I've learned enough Bulgaria to understand that she was now potty trained...YES!!! Happy Dance for that one!! She also seemed to understand that I was coming on an airplane, too, so I feel that they are really trying to help her be prepared for our arrival and all that will follow. I was smiling big and feeling great that it was such a good conversation, but then, all of a sudden, my sweet little girl started crying hysterically...truly hyserically. I kept saying anything I could think of like... "it's okay" and "don't cry" and "are you okay?' ...the only things I could spit out in Bulgarian.It went on for what seemed like an eternity while her caretaker kept repeating "don't cry" and "be quiet"....then they hung up. Ugh. My heart broke and my stomach was immediately tied in knots. Now what?

But here is the amazing thing. Just prior to my call, I was reading one of my daily devotions I get in my inbox. This one was from Proverbs 31 Ministries and was called "When I'm Not There, God Is". It is a discussion of the struggles we have as moms with worrying about our children when they are not in our care. The scripture that went with it was

"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

Psalm 91:11 (NIV)

As I read the devotion, I had immediately connected it to all my children and especially to Selah. I thought "Thank You, God, for that reassurance" and went to make the telephone call. Can you believe how good He was to me? That was the exact word I needed to not become an emotional wreck once again after that phone call!

My very close friend used to have great fun teasing me by claiming that God was always so gentle with me! Not long ago, though, she admitted He hadn't been quite as gentle over the last couple of years. But, just over the last couple of weeks, I have once again begun to feel His gentleness surrounding me. It has been as if He knew I needed a little something extra to remind me of His promises and to hold on to His Word...His truth. Tonight, it felt as though it were Him telling me that it is going to be okay. I may not be with Selah yet, but even in the midst of her tears and in the moments when I ache to wipe her tears away and hug her until she smiles once again....He is with her and He will protect her and care for her. Just as His Word says, He is commanding His angels to guard my sweet Selah in all her ways!

I will close with the prayer written at the end of the devotion (written by Glynnis Whitwer):

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for caring for my children even more than I do. Thank You for hearing my prayers, and for protecting my children. Help me to learn to trust You more, and to pray more about even the smallest details of their lives. I want to be a woman and mom who trusts You, the true source of all help. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Gotcha' Day...April 4, 2011

2011-03-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

It is really true...we have our official travel dates! We leave April 2nd and return April 9th! It feels almost surreal. I'm almost scared to fully feel the joy...the guards around my heart are not wanting to let go! But, let go they must...because Selah is comin' home!

Last week had some bleak moments when we learned that there had been an error on our court decree and that it would cause another delay. Delay was not a word my heart could handle very well. There were more tears and then plain ol' anger...but in the end, the delay was only two extra weeks from our initial tentative dates. As it turns out, "Gotcha Day" will be exactly seven months from the time we left our sweet girl.

Seven months is a long time. It is forever in the life of a 4-year-old. My brain and heart has run wild lately. I started letting my mind think things that are absolutely contrary to the Word of God. I worried about the loss of developmental time, the loss of bonding time, the loss of intervention time, the loss, the loss, the loss. (I think you get my point!) But God ever so gently filled my heart with the reminder that He is God, the very same One Who created the universe. Time is not of concern to Him. He is bigger than time. He is bigger than any loss I can ever come up with. He has a plan for Selah and there is nothing in this world that can stop that plan....not 4 1/2 years...and definitely not 7 months!

A few months before we began our adoption process Salvador had released a song called "Aware". I know I am always posting song lyrics and Youtube videos, but it is because music is just a part of my wiring! Every big moment in life I can recall through music. So, I fell in love with the song "Aware" because it is a calling out to God to "make me aware" of how He is in every detail of our lives from the small to the big, from the insignificant to the life-changing. One line in the song says:

"Take my world, turn it around, so that the obvious can finally be found."

I prayed those words because I felt such an intense stirring in my soul that said there was something I was supposed to be doing. So I prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks His, and that He would make me so aware of His presence in my life that I would never forget that it is Him in me that makes all things possible.

That prayer was answered tenfold. I have been taught over and over again that He is in every detail. He has been there in times of joy and in times of sadness. He has loved me when I was angry at others and even angry at Him. He has forgiven me for each sinful thought, word, and deed throughout the last two years and especially throughout the last few months! And now, as we prepare for the last leg of this portion of our journey with Selah, I know that the obvious has finally been found. He did turn my world upside down...and I am so incredibly thankful.

Here's the song with lyrics:

P.S. God's designing of the number 7 to represent perfection...pretty cool, huh?! I think I will receive that as a Word from Him that reminds me of His perfect timing and that everything is going to be just fine:-)

I Can't Wait!

2011-03-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

Today is my sweet Zachary's 9th birthday! He is growing up so fast and I am so proud of who he is becoming! I'll have to post some pictures later, 'cuz I want to list the first four folks who posted so I can get addresses and send off these books tomorrow! Zach's birthday party starts in about a half hour...nothing like crunching as much into the day as possible! :-)

Okay...Shelley, Maire, Viviane, and Debby! If you send me an email with your addresses I would LOVE to send Reckless Faith out to you!!!

Have a wonderful and blessed remainder of your Sunday!

Smiles and blessings,

A Huge Thank You!

2011-03-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

I wanted to send out a great big "Thank You" to everyone who has so lovingly supported us in thoughts and prayers throughout this journey. We have learned soooooooo many things along the way and God has used the last couple of years to teach us so many very important things about Him...about life on this side of the cross...and about who He wants us to become. One of those "things" He has taught us, is a whole new appreciation for the kindness of others. So, thank you...thank you...thank you for sharing your hearts with us, for encouraging us when the disappointments were huge, and for celebrating with us when the news was great!

In light of wanting to show my gratitude, I had a little idea. I recently read a book that I absolutely loved. I loved it simply for the love. The book is titled Reckless Faith by Beth Guckenberger. The love and passion that fuels Beth's heart moved me deeply. The story is about the call on her life to care for orphans...to care for the least of these. Her obedience to God is amazing and the love she has for the children is clearly just as amazing.(Check out Back2Back Ministries) So, since the book is so filled with love and kindness...it's kind of my way to share a little bit of love and kindness with you! I wish I could get one for everyone, but since I can't, I bought four of them and would love to give them away! I will send a copy to the first four people that post a comment. After you post, I will list the first four names in my next post, and those people can then email me with their address. You can email me directly from my blog profile!

There is no new news regarding Selah or our travel dates. I am just busy nesting and getting as much ready as I can while praying it will be super soon!!!

Thanks again to everyone and all your love, support, and prayers! God has used y'all to help to move some big 'ol mountains for us!!!!

My favorite photo...when she took her daddy's hand, she took his heart right with it.

Blessings and smiles,

It's Really True...Selah is Coming Home!

2011-02-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

Okay....I'm having to stop the tears of joy to write this right now!!!! We just received the most wonderful news that we are officially the parents of a beautiful little Bulgarian princess! I introduce you to Selah!

I cannot believe how absolutely blessed we are to be given this precious daughter. I know there have been moments where my faith was shaken, my patience unwound, and my heart broken...but God (aren't those two awesome words?...But God...) moved the mountains. He has parted our Red Sea and we will be rushing across that open road He carved for us just as soon as we can!!!

Our next step is to await the completion of Selah's certificate of Adoption and then travel! I pray the wait is not long, but now I truly can see the moment coming when I can wrap her in my arms and never have to walk away again! The moment we can truly be a family...

Trying to Believe....

2011-02-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Our judge did not follow through with her commitment on Monday. We found out late Monday that she didn't come into work that day so we needed to wait for today to see what she would do. The call came today saying that she changed her mind again and is requesting an official letter from the US Embassy verifying that the FBI clearance is the highest level of security in the United States. Her meeting with the representative from the Embassy was not sufficient.

We are crushed, stunned, disappointed, frustrated....completely broken hearted. I wrote a letter today imploring the Embassy for help in this matter. Our hands feel so tied...

I have sat and tried to find insight into her perspective...does she know that this little girl has spent way too many days, weeks, months, years in an orphanage without a family? Does she have any idea of how great our love is for this little girl? Does she have any idea that we would do anything within our own physical power to bring her home? Does she realize our hearts have a huge hole in them filled with the grief of not having her home yet? If only I could get her to understand this...then maybe she would not do this to us or to any other family ever again.

I know I have to believe that the time will come. She will be ours. I need to stay strong and keep my faith. I know my faith is there, but it feels like it is in a million pieces around me. I keep getting back up and putting it back together, but then the next wave of emotion comes and knocks it all down again. But, I'm going to keep picking up the pieces and I am going to keep trusting the Lord and believing He will bring Selah home. I am going to praise Him for all the blessings in my life and praise Him for showing me the true heart of adoption...showing me a love that I never understood before...giving me a glimpse of the love He has when He adopts us into His family. It is a powerful love. It is a love that can move mountains and that is the promise I am going to hold onto...and never let go.

Lori

One More Week of Believing in Faith…

2011-02-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

My dear friend, Col, was here with me today when we received the telephone call. She has shared in this journey even before ours began. The adoption of her little girl moved not only mine, but my husbands heart to a place of hearing God's call on our lives to adopt. She is guest blogging for me today because she knows my brain is too scattered to pull things together for a while yet and I just knew she would be able to convey our hearts without skipping a beat!

Today’s call was not exactly the call Lori and Bryan were hoping for… but they are fixing their eyes of faith on the light at the end of this tunnel. The judge in Bulgaria committed to approve Selah’s adoption on Monday. Yes, six more days of waiting in hope and trusting in God’s faithfulness until she is officially Selah Schumaker.

One highlight of the call is that the Monday after that (2/28), her birth certificate will be issued, which is an exciting change from what they had been told before. Birth certificate wait time used to be two to three weeks. Travel should be scheduled one to two weeks from February 28th.

As a friend who has traveled the adoption journey, I simply cannot imagine the ache that Lori and Bryan and their boys have walked… wanting their little girl home so desperately and yet living the challenge of a system that at times seems set against this princess’s new life in her forever family. Surely, many of you have struggled like the Schumakers when God’s timing just does not seem to make sense at all. We believe with all that we are the Truth found in His Word that says His ways are higher, yet everything inside us sometimes cries out for things to move along!

I think about a verse in Job. It’s 23:10. Check it out. After countless struggles and so much frustration, Job says, “But, He knows the way I take; and when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” Bryan and Lori have had an adoption journey like no other. They have been tested and tried, and tested again. And each of us who loves them has been challenged by their unyielding faith and humbled by their relentless pursuit of a little girl who sits today in an orphanage in Bulgaria. I look at them, and I see gold. Pure gold. They are a living testimony of God’s love… it never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

So, today we stand again with the Schumakers. We pray and cry out for the next six days. We believe with them that in six days a little girl’s name will be changed. And not just her name, but her destiny. We long for the moment when we can rejoice together that our girl is coming home to be loved and treasured by so many of us.

And we will give our God, who makes all things right, and who’s timing is perfect, all the glory.

Coleen

Patience

2011-02-11T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today was the day I thought I would post Selah's picture and introduce her to the world. But, not yet. Our judge did not approve our case today. She did reschedule it for Tuesday, though. She has requested some things that are quite out of the ordinary. But, after a huge cry, I got back up and started working on what we could provide. It meant running around a lot and in a hurry to print, notarize, travel downtown to the Secretary of State Office in Phoenix for an apostille, and then to our friendly UPS to overnight the forms. The US Embassy is also writing a letter on our behalf to verify that the FBI clearance is the highest level of security clearance available in the United States and if we do not have an arrest record on either the local, state, or Federal level, we have not been convicted of any crimes. If only the judge could know that I haven't even had a speeding ticket in longer than I can remember!

So.....now we wait patiently and in prayer for Tuesday. I'm praying it is God's will that our case be approved then. I'm feeling really weary right now... It has been one year and one month since the first time I saw Selah's face and my heart exploded for her. Now it has been five months and one week since I last held her in my arms. So many ups and downs...but a new day has got to come...and I know we just need to hold on just a little bit longer.

I am so thankful for all the love, support, and prayers from so many of you...friends and family. It helps these tough days be much more bearable. We are blessed with wonderful people in our lives and God has revealed that to us a million times over! Thank you!

While the Clouds are Movin'...

2011-01-31T00:19:00.000-08:00

I had been thinking I needed to update the blogs I follow and a couple of other things on here, but hadn't found the motivation! But a thank you to Amie who had just updated her blog which, in turn, motivated me and even gave me a few new blogs I hadn't yet seen! So, even though it is waaaay too late at night and I should be sleeping, I feel relieved to have finally accomplished most of what I have wanted to do! Tomorrow I am going to add some links to websites that care for and support orphans, as well.

In the meantime, only 1 week and 4 1/2 days left until court! The clouds are movin'....a new day is soon to come.

"Light is sweet; how pleasant to see a new day dawning." Ecclesiastes 11:7

We Have a Court Date!

2011-01-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

Yup...that call we have been waiting for finally arrived! We do have a court date! I am thankful and relieved, but it is not as soon as we hoped. It is further down the road than I have ever read or heard of from anyone else going through a Bulgarian adoption. But, as God has shown me so many times along this journey...none of this is my vision nor my plan. It is HIS! The amount of times He keeps reminding me of that truly leads to believe that I must still be struggling with that surrender of my plan and my vision!

But, on February 11, 2011 our adoption will go to court and I pray that on that day our sweet Selah will legally be our little princess! I would soooooo appreciate it if you would pray with us that day! Bulgaria is 9 hours ahead of us (here in Phoenix) so anytime after 11 p.m (mountain time zone) on February 10th, a judge could be ruling on our case. From what I have been hearing, most cases recently have been passing at the first hearing, but I am going to be praying like crazy for that same scenario for us.

Last night I had planned to take Zachary and Landon to the TobyMac and Brandon Heath concert. This week, however, a horrible flu bug hit our entire family and little Landon was still running a fever and not feeling very well at all. So, Zach and I invited a very special family friend to go with us in place of Landon. It was so much fun to spend the evening with her and Zach! Anyway, I do like a lot of TobyMac's music, but my kids LOVE his music. I was looking forward to a fun night, but I honestly didn't expect to have an incredible night of worship, of renewal, and of a word from God. But, our God is AWESOME and He spoke to me through Toby's song "Hold On", which I have heard a million times before but honestly never felt the whisperings of the Spirit. I can't even believe how perfect the words were for what we have been experiencing right now. Through this song, He reminded me that, in the grand scheme of things, we are almost there and we have to "hold on to that hope that will lead us to tomorrow". He also reminded me that I cannot lose sight of the One who is holding us because He is the One who brings us that hope. And last but not least, I was reminded that we just have to hold on a little bit longer because the clouds ARE moving a little bit faster now and we are seeing a hint of the sunlight breaking through!

"Hold On"

Wake up to the morning light

Wipe away the lonely nights

Let a brand new day wash over you

Wanna see you smile again

Show some love to your crazy friends

Wipe your tears away, those days are through

If you move just a little bit closer

You can put your head on my shoulder

Yeah, yeah

So baby hold on

Just another day or two

I can see the clouds are moving faster now

And the sun is breaking through

If you could hold on

To the One that’s holding you

There is nothing that can stop this crazy love

From breaking through, we’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun

Thank the Lord for the things He’s done

Lift your eyes to the hope that’s ever true

Wanna see you smiling girl

You’re a light in this jaded world

Wipe away those tears

This one’s for you

And the stars are up there shining for you

Oh, how the Father does adore you

His love will never change

And you and I, we were born to follow

The hope that will lead us to tomorrow

And no one can take it away

Here is my favorite YouTube video, but it plays a second song after "Hold On" called "Get Back Up"...that is why it is so long. "Hold On" is really only four min so don't be scared away :-)

If anyone out there knows of or is now having their court date scheduled so far out, would you please either comment or send me an email? I'm just kind of wondering if this is something new due to a larger amount of referrals which means more children going through the court system which then could translate into a back-up in the courts until more staff is hired? I'm sure with the pace picking up, the courts are going to have to make a trasition of some kind....

Holding on 'til our princess is home,

What to Say.....

2011-01-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

I know that I am very inconsistent with posting....but at least you can assume that when I am quiet, I am struggling. I wish wish wish wish I had great news, but I don't. We are still waiting for a court date.

I struggle with being transparent, but also with never wanting to turn anyone away from a calling to adopt. So, I sometimes get quiet because I can't find the positive to say.

I often like to listen to and read books written by Joyce Meyer. Her matter-of-fact way of speaking in such a down to earth way is so easily applicable to our lives (which is why the Amplified version of the Bible with commentary by her is called the "Everyday Life Bible"). One of her quotes I like is:

"I have discovered that patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."

Isn't it soooooo true? We can all be forced to wait. God is in control and there is not a thing we can do about it! But, how we do the wait? If we can do it with a good attitude, we have come so much closer to what patience really is!

For me, though, it is the struggle between the two. I want to be real and transparent...to be who I really am. But I also want to do it with grace, and the truth of the matter is that I try really hard, but that patience is a day-by-day (actually minute-by-minute) struggle.
I know I have said it before, but this wait is BRUTAL. But, no matter how brutal it may be, I know that the treasure waiting for us on the other side of the world is so worth it! There is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

God's Word tells us that pure religion is to care for widows and orphans. Sadly, the number of orphans in our world is so large that it makes my heart ache and my stomach churn. If God puts adoption on your heart...if He calls you to be one to walk the journey of adoption, do not fear the "brutal". He will be there in the pit with you and, besides that, there just is no escaping the call He puts on your heart and out of that obedience will come a treasure like no other.

Today I read a friend's post on her blog and my heart just hurt for all that she is feeling. Wanting to encourage her, I was in search of scripture and, with His usual amazing way of working things out, God led me to a verse that I pray encouraged her, but it really helped me, as well! So, to all the waiting Mommy and Daddy's out there that feel as though it may never happen, as though the day will never come that your little one is safely home and the despair is kind of overwhelming right now, I pray this verse encourages you today.

"We are pressed on every side by troubles,

but we are not crushed.

We are perplexed,

but not driven to despair."

2 Corinthians 4:8

Christmas Once Again

2010-12-22T02:58:00.000-08:00

We have not yet heard anything...but I am not giving up hope yet! I'm really taking either what you could call the "stubborn" route, or the "living safely in my bubble" route! I think I'll stick with calling it anticipating with faith from every corner of my heart.

We have really tried to focus on the fun....buying presents for Selah that she can open whenever she comes home and is ready, decorating her room, and even a beautiful little gathering hosted by some just as beautiful friends in honor of Selah!

Oooooo, the presents! I know that our two boys have had just as much fun as us shopping for our little sweet pea! They are adorable in the way they ALWAYS have her on their minds and in their hearts. AND, did I mention we have the CUTEST princess Christmas wrapping paper EVER? It was donated by a sweet friend who just knew it would make me smile :-)

Decorating her room is coming along bit by bit. I have found the neatest things on Etsy! I love that website and all the folks who have such an incredible God-given gift to create such beautiful things!

And our Selah Celebration! I usually host a pretty big cookie exchange party in December and somehow get amazing women to bake somewhere around 7 dozen cookies! It is usually a wonderful time because it is a chance to get to see so many of my dear friends that I don't always get to connect with. This year, however, my friends knew my spirits were a little low and knew that hosting the party would be rough. So, because they are just so stinkin' good to me, they confiscated the party and turned it into a shower of sorts! It was so good for my heart. I was able to share all the pictures I have of our sweet little girl, be blessed with some of the most adorable little outfits, bracelets, and hair pretties, AND the gals even made a collection for the orphanage. When we were last there, the director had told us that what they really dreamed of being able to do was to take a group of children to the Black Sea for a week of fun and therapy. Of course, they would not be able to do it on their regular funds (which are minimal) and it would only happen through donation. So, I am so very very happy to say that we are going to be able to get this donation to them and give those precious little treasures the opportunity to explore beyond the walls of their orphanage and to simply have fun like they have never before experienced! I am just so thankful for all the loving people God has surrounded us with in our life. I cannot imagine this journey without the support of so many! Again, He is just so good!

In closing I am going to post the video I posted last year at this time. It is the song called "Merry Christmas" by Third Day. It is a song written about a little girl in an orphanage waiting for her mommy. Get out the kleenex if you are even the least bit of an emotional sort of person! Last year I had hoped would be the last Christmas without Selah home, but we have this one more and I am so very thankful that it is just this one more. I know as we go through and meet other families and watch as they bring their babies home, it is often bittersweet. Please know, that I am with all of you in prayer as you have either brought your child home already, or are in Bulgaria right now (as one friend is!) picking up your child, making travel plans to get them, or are still in the ever challenging stage of waiting. My heart and my prayers are with each and every one of you this Christmas.

He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate.Psalm
111:14

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’” Matthew 1:23

His Way of Molding a Heart

2010-12-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

We don't really have much news. Our agency called and told us that the MOJ needed an extra copy of that 1-800A form that gave us such headaches....Not really good news, but at least we know that someone is working on our file rather than it being in the pile of files on the desk of someone who has left for the month! So, I am still praying boldly that a court hearing will be scheduled before Christmas! I know that I may sound a bit wacky...but praying with anticipation and a faith that is simply expecting God to come through right now is getting me by each day. I may be a mess come Christmas, but I KNOW God will get me through that, too, if it does happen to happen (but it won't!)!

But, in the meantime, I wanted to share something so adorable that my son, Zachary, wrote. Last weekend I had him and his brother each take a "quiet time" in their separate rooms. They didn't want to nap, but we all needed a wee little break from each other! So, after about an hour, Zach comes downstairs and asks me if he can share a story he had been writing while in his room. He started reading it and I, of course, started crying (doesn't take much these days). I won't tell you what it was all about, rather, I will just post it here below. But, as you read, just think of the way God has molded his sweet little heart through our adoption process. We started the process almost 2 years ago, so at 8 years old now, that is 25% of his life waiting for his sister and learning about orphans and adoption. I am so thankful to God for the way He has filled the hearts of both of our boys with so much love and compassion for the things that break God's heart most. How amazing that at 8 years old, he really gets it...he gets what the heart of adoption is all about.

The Christmas Wish

Zachary Schumaker

Once upon a time there lived a six-year-old boy named Jonathan. He was an orphan little boy. He was very lonely. In the orphanage, he had no friends at all. That made him even more sad. But, the thing that made him the saddest of all was that he had no Mother, no Father, no brother, no sister, and no pets at all. He had never even known his parents. He only knew that when his birth mother had given him away, she had said that God and Jesus would always be shining with him.

He sat in the orphanage year after year. As he got older he got lonelier and lonelier. He sat by the telephone waiting and waiting for it to ring. He sat there for six years. One day, finally the telephone rang. Mary, one of the helpers, answered the telephone. When she got off the telephone, she had a big smile. Jonathan asked, “Why are you smiling so big?’ Mary said, “A family named the Fanners want to adopt you.”

The Fanners had a boy named Angelo and a girl named Kailyn, a dog named Rover and a Mom named Susie and a Dad named Michael. Jonathan was so happy that he ran all over the orphanage screaming and yelling with joy!

On November 26, 2009 the Fanners flew to North Africa to see their six-year-old son, Jonathan. Right as they saw Jonathan, they knew that he was the one that Jesus planned for their new family.

When Jonathan saw his parents for the first time, he jumped up and ran to hug them and his brother and sister. The new brothers and sister played and laughed so much. Jonathan smiled for the first time in his life.

Angelo and Kailyn taught Jonnathan English, too. They stayed in Africa for two whole weeks. On December 4, 2009, they brought Jonathan home. The family got Jonathan for Christmas and Jonathan got his family. Little Jonathan got a tricycle, a DS, and a new puppy for the beginning of his new life for Christmas. Little Jonathan said he had his number one Christmas ever. But, the best present of all was his family.

“God places the lonely in families.” Psalm 68:6

Decorating with Love

2010-11-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

I know that I have referred to my excitement at the prospect of shopping "pink" AND of how I have had some very fun days doing just that, so I thought it would be kinda fun to share some of the neat things I've found while we have been waiting to bring Selah home! The room is getting close to being ready...I've been taking my time trying to throw all my love into getting just the right stuff. It's sort of like my way of loving on her when I can't yet have her in my arms. WHICH, with each day comes one day closer to a reality. We still don't know very much. We are waiting for a court date. Please pray with us that the court date happens prior to Christmas! If it doesn't, because of the December holidays, it will mean a January court date and then another 5-6 weeks until we can pick her up after that (if it is approved at the hearing). I think I may have mentioned it, but my prayers are getting BOLD! Join me? Please?

I sang this song in Selah's little ears over and over while we visited her. I pray everyday that she comes to know and understand the meaning of this message in her heart, her soul, and her mind...and that she already feels His love each and every day.

This little girl is not only chosen, cherished, and beloved by us, but first and foremost by our Heavenly Father!

One of the hutches of the bedroom set we purchased for her decorated with a few things chosen with the utmost love! The Disney Princesses were actually dolls I had purchased several years ago for my someday daughter! It's a miracle in itself that I now know that I will have a daughter...that I DO have a daughter!

Books...at the heart of every teacher (or former teacher in my case!). Also, this prayer book by Stormie Omartian is absolutely beautiful!

Could this outfit get any cuter?

A close-up of the SHOES!!! I can just envision her cute little feet in these!

A true statement. She already has him wrapped around her liitle finger!

I pray that someday our little Selah will come to understand the depths of our love. I pray that she will know how every step of this journey was taken with hearts absolutely full of love...from her mommy, daddy, and brothers Zachary and Landon.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Ephesians 3:19

Thank You

2010-11-25T20:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! As this day of Thanksgiving has come and almost gone once again, I am reminded of all the blessings for which we have to give thanks. I want to be sure, though, that being thankful isn't saved for this one special day.

I feel that our family does a pretty good job of being thankful all the time and that we really work at instilling that sense of thankfullness in our children... but there is ALWAYS room for improvement! This year has been a test of that! There have been times I have been so thankful to our awesome God for something that has happened correctly or beautifully in the course of adopting Selah. BUT there have been the days I want to curl up under my covers- actually pull them right over my head- and cry my eyes out, or simply eat every piece of chocolate or ice cream followed by some kind of crunchy salty sort of thing that can be found in this house. SOMETIMES it HAS to be the Italian Nachos from Old Chicago! They have more calories and fat than I need for an entire month, but they sure do seem to ease the pain of self-pity. So, I think the picture is pretty clear....instead of looking to the One Who has it all under control, Who made it all possible in the first place and thanking Him for all the good in our lives, I often find myself under those covers, eating the chocolate, or having Italian Nachos at Old Chicago! Definitely something I need to work on!
This song by one of my favorite Christian artists, 33 Miles, kinda says it all! Enjoy! May we all find the way to our Savior when things are not going so well...instead of the way to the chocolate!

Lord, I thank You for loving me even when I am so unthankful. I thank You for being so patient with me when I drown my sorrows in tears and/or food! Lord , I thank You for all Your beautiful blessings and I know that You alone have made all of it possible! Thank You for holding our Selah tight while we wait to be together. Thank You for planning this all in Your perfect timing and for having a plan for us and a journey and a path set before us.

It's a New Day!

2010-11-03T22:34:00.000-07:00

Light is sweet; how pleasant to see a new day dawning.

Ecclesiastes 11:7

Last week was the pits...nothing seemed to go right. Our NBC paperwork STILL had not approved, I woke up (on my birthday of all days) with a double ear infection, my son decided that on the day of my birthday and double ear infection he would have one of the WORST behavior days EVER, and then he ended up home sick the day after that!!! By now I should know that whenever my boys act particularly naughty, they are usually coming down with something!!! The week ended on Friday with one more request from our NBC officer for just one more document. Really? All I could do was cry.

This week, however, began "a new day dawning"! Bryan started our Monday morning with an attempt at 6:00 a.m. (4:00 p.m. in Bulgaria) to call Selah. We had been consistently trying to Skype, but we could never make a connection with the orphanage, so now we just try to call using Skype Calling (which is waaaaaay cheaper than regular phone) to their land line. My sweet husband now makes these call attempts on his own in order to protect my heart. After a few attempts that ended either with no answer, or a disconnected line, or being told in Bulgarian "Ne, Selah" (no Selah was all I could understand since my Bulgarian is almost non-existent), my heart would become so fragile and what felt like one more rejection. Now chooses to protect my heart (he handles the let-downs soooooo much better than I do) and makes the communication attempts. If he is successful, he then yells frantically for me to wake up and come downstairs to the computer!!! (I know...I am extremely blessed to have him)

So, Monday morning the call went through and then to Bryan's surprise, the director video called us back! Bryan was so excited he just started yelling for me in a crazy sort of frantic way that made me think something horrible had happened! I run downstairs in my pj's with my hair crazy wild and there on the screen is our sweet little girl! She was smiling and beautiful! I'm sure she would agree with the smiling part on her assessment of me, but the beautiful part surely she would not! She probably thought, "Wow, Mommy looks a little crazy!".

We still had one little glitch, though. We could not hear her nor the director, we instead heard a Bulgarian radio station of some sort! We still can't figure that out! Anyone have any ideas? But, she could hear us and that, to me, is so much more important. I want her to remember our voices and see our faces and recall the memories we made together so that she knows in her heart that we truly will come back and that we have not forgotten her. And let me tell you...memory? Hers was uncanny! I started singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and she immediately started doing the actions with me and I could see her mouth moving to sing with me! Then Bryan made his funny fish face at her that she had loved so much, and without missing even a single beat, she made the face right back at him and started giggling! I cannot even tell you how much that brought peace to my heart. It was as if God made this happen just when He knew my heart was at a breaking point....God is so good!

You would think that was enough good news...but, yes, I have MORE!!! Later that afternoon, we finally got our NBC approval! Thank You, Lord!!! It was such a weight off our shoulders to know that after so many delays, we had finally made it past that phase. Sadly, it didn't happen quick enough to get us back to Selah before Christmas (short of a miracle from God - which I do believe He is still in the business of doing!), but it still means that we are one step closer to bringing our baby home!

So, all in all? THAT is what I call "a new day" and I am so very thankful for that very needed gift from Above! Can I get an "Amen"?!! :-)

Thoughts While We Wait

2010-10-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

We still do not have an approval from the NBC...please pray with us that it will be this week. It feels that as each day passes right now, it means a month in trip time because of the Holiday time in Bulgaria in December. I am still believing in God's miracles...and if a miracle is not His choice, I can find peace in His will. He makes all things good.

But, in the meantime, there were a couple of little tidbits of helpful and fun info I wanted to share. One was about a neat little company called Hullabaloo Stories. This gal creates photo books, BUT they are WAY BETTER than your typical photo books because this gal creates photo BOARD BOOKS! We made a book for Selah and brought it to her. Christine at Hullabaloo was so fun to work with! She wanted to make sure the book was exactly what we wanted with both pictures, wording, and color. She is absolutely wonderful! The neat part about the board book is that you can leave it at the orphanage so your child can have it all the time and not worry that it will get destroyed by the loving hands of many little ones! We kept it simple with pictures of her that we received with our referral, pictures of us, our dog, the house, the backyard, etc. The wording just said things like "my family", "my mommy", "my daddy", "my brother", etc. You can find her website at www.hullabaloostories.com.

The other tidbit was the trick my girlfriend passed along to me after her experience with adoption and mission work. She made sure I traced Selah's foot on a piece of paper while I was with her. That way, when I got back home, I could put it on one of those shoe chart thingies and find out a pretty accurate shoe size. I thought it was genius and on some of my bluest days, I have purchased the cutest shoes EVER! Just wait for my next post....I'll make sure to take some photos of those cute shoes!

So, that's all, but please don't forget to pray! :-) Thanks y'all!

For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised.

Hebrews 10:36

Keeping My Eyes on the Lord

2010-10-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

Emotions. Emotions. And MORE emotions.

This wait is so stinkin' hard. There are days I want to curl up under the covers and cry...and days I want to therapeutically shop until I drop. There are also the days when I want to scream at someone...anyone will do. The other night I was driving up north in a mountainous region and had one bad mishap that involved a flat tire and then not 10 miles after finally getting back on the road, a police officer pulled me over! I guess I had been going a little too fast, but he never even got the opportunity to tell me how fast I was going! That was because I burst into voracious tears immediately and could say nothing more than to squeak out that it had been a horrible week. It was seriously ALL I COULD DO to not tell this poor man about our little girl waiting for us halfway around the world and our paperwork being majorly delayed! Can you just imagine him thinking "oh, boy, what have I just gotten myself into?'. Can you believe that in the midst of this chaos, God sent me this kind and compassionate officer who only looked at me for a second and then felt compelled to spend the rest of his time trying to calm me down and reassure me that he wouldn't be giving me a ticket?!!! Soooooo, in the midst of each of my chaotic emotions, I keep reminding myself to keep my eyes on the Lord and claim His promises for our family.

Over the last few days, I have been reading Isaiah and God has spoken to me so clearly from there and has gently reminded me where to keep my focus. You see, we have not yet received our NBC approval. The short story is that it began with our original home study parameters saying we wanted to adopt a child between the ages of 0 and 3. Well, our Selah is 4. So, the officer handling our paperwork said we had to submit an addendum from our social worker stating that we are approved for a 4-year-old child. We took care of that and I fed-exed everything there only to have it sit in the Texas office for 2 1/2 weeks before it was sent to our officer in Missouri. THEN, our officer decided that the addendum was not sufficient, but that we needed to have a home visit AND our state CPS checks redone. We are hoping for this to all be in the hands of the officer next week and then I pray approved immediately.

I just couldn't believe that we would have all these issues on this side of the paperwork. I expected glitches...but later, once the paperwork was in Bulgaria. Maybe now that we have already provided brand new copies of practically everything, all the other various offices, people, and judges that will be looking at our paperwork will not find anything to question or request. Maybe? Hopefully?

So, back to Isaiah. In Isaiah 54, God tells me that "No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper". Satan loves to mess with all things that are good. I recently read that marriage and adoption are the two most powerful covenants we make to honor God. Because these two covenants are so powerful, Satan works overtime to try to destroy them. As we travel along this journey of adoption, we all know how gut-wrenchingly painful things can be. I wonder how many people have either not taken the journey or have walked away from it because of the attacks of our enemy.

But God. Our amazing, powerful, loving, and ever faithful God! He tells us that

He will not allow any weapons from the enemy to prosper against us.
He will open doors before us, so that gates will not be shut.
He will go before us and level the mountains
He will contend with them who contend with us, and He will give safety to our children and ease them.
He will go before us and also be our rear guard.
His word never returns void, it always accomplishes its purpose.
He has set watchmen around us to guard us day and night.
He loves justice.

And all of that is JUST IN ISAIAH! Imagine what the rest of His word promises us!

I have been witness to and lived out the power of God, and the power of His word. So, I'm not going to get stuck crying under my covers or caught frightening police officers with my tears. Rather, I am going to be claiming the word of the Lord over our adoption journey and over each and every one of your adoption journeys as well. There is not a weapon the enemy can try against any of us that will prevail. He can just give up now, 'cuz all of us are bringin' our babies home!

Mummee! Doddee!!

2010-09-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

This morning we got to hear sweet Selah's little voice! It put a permanent smile on our faces for the day! We were hoping to Skype with her, but that is not quite working out yet, but we did manage to hear her on the telephone for a brief moment to hear her say mommy and daddy with her absolutely adorable accent which makes it come out like "Mummeeee" and "Doddeee". But just as soon as she said those two beautiful words, our connection went dead. I am very thankful to simply hear her voice, though, and as well and quickly as she said it leads me to believe that her caretakers have been talking to her about us and helping to keep those memories alive! That sits well with my heart :-)

On the "wait" front, I don't have much of any new news. We have had a couple of little glitches with our
I-800 but I am hoping those will be worked out quickly. I know that getting frustrated and worrying will serve us no purpose and that if anything, God has taught me sooooooo well that He has it all under control and the timing will be His...not mine. We just keep praying for our paperwork to fall into the hands of loving people who have a heart for orphans and that they just move that paperwork along zippity quick (and that this, too, is the will of God because it sure helps when our prayers line up with His Will)!

Our boys have been so excited about Selah. They have watched all of our videos and looked at all of our pictures over and over. They have told everyone there is to tell about their sister! We have been so blessed by this, too, because we have just had so much love and support from everyone...even people we don't even know! I pray that from this maybe there is just one heart...or two that is broken for the cause of orphans. And that maybe, just maybe, one of those hearts will feel called to adopt, support adoption, or support orphans in one way or another. Just maybe!!

I have been diligently working on my photos since I have been home. Can you believe I took 617 pictures?! I've never had my memory card get full before! I actually had to change it! Once I got home, though, I went through all of them...deleted a few blurry or weird ones...and edited many of them. I only have a very basic photo editing program, but I wanted to make the photos look their best! It took F-O-R-E-V-E-R! But, I was able to put together a neat video photo slideshow set to Steven Curtis Chapman's "When Love Takes You In". After Selah is legally ours, I will post it for everyone! For now, all I can post are photos of the beautiful landscape and sights from Bulgaria. Here are a few...the first set are from the moutainside areas near Selah's orphanage.

The next photos are of the sights around Sofia...lots of very beautiful and very old churches and buildings:

This church was built around 300 A.D.!

Pretty beautiful place, huh? All this beauty...all this history...but still poverty...and still many orphans that need a home. The eyes of our daughter have forever been engraved upon my heart. As I saw her eyes brighten and her smile become deeper and deeper throughout our week, I had a taste of the power love has to change a life. It may be hard for us as we wait for her, but I am thankful that we WILL have each other and be a family...our story WILL end happy. But the eyes of the other little ones left behind that looked at us like they were saying "Take me, too"....those are the eyes that haunt me and I don't know how their story will end. There is an ache in my heart that longs to find a family for each and every one of them...I believe it is an ache that will never go away again.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress... James 1:27

The Last Day...

2010-09-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today was our last day here in Bulgaria....for now. I am praying we will be back SOON! I know we've got lots of awesome prayer warriors out there asking God to move the paperwork and get us back to pick up our little girl and bring her HOME!

We had some notarizing of documents to do this morning with our agency representative and then the rest of the day was for us to explore. Our hearts are still stuck in the little orphanage in the little village a couple of hours away, but we know that we still need to put one foot in front of the other and make the very best of each day until we get to all be together again. So, since our apartment is right downtown Sofia, we spent the day walking MILES! We saw all kinds of beautiful Churches and old, old, OLD buildings. The history here is amazing. There are really some neat things about Bulgaria, but they have so much to figure out about how to get their country firmly on their feet and to find a way to help the impoverished...to find a way to care for and lessen the number of orphans that are here. So many times as we walked along some streets, I saw young women who were trying to sell goods or do other things to survive, and I thought of how one of these women could be our Selah's birth mother. I think of the day that will come when she will be old enough to ask me about her mother and the inevitable "why didn't she keep me". I pray I will have the right words. I pray that whatever I say will bring peace to her soul and that none of her past will ever hinder or harm her heart, her self confidence, her joy, or her God-given path in life. Months ago, when I thought we had lost the opportunity to adopt her, I gave thanks to the Lord for the opportunity to pray for her throughout her life. I thought I would never meet her or know her personality, but I was ready to pray on her behalf forever. Now I have been blessed with 4 days with her, so not only did I meet her, but I KNOW her and love her with my whole heart! I cannot even explain now how much more passionate those prayers will be!

On that note, my sweet husband is demanding that I get to bed because we will need to wake up in 4 hours to head to the airport!

Thanks so much for all the prayers this week...we have definitely felt them and know they have made a BIG difference!

Once we get home and settled and give our boys lots of love and hugs, I'll get back on this blog and post some of the neat pictures of the sights around Bulgaria...and OF COURSE keep you updated as to any news we hear about paperwork, skyping with Selah, and our next travel date!

Saying Good-Bye...for Now

2010-09-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for all of the wonderful prayers because I KNOW that they helped to make today a so much easier. Leaving was and is in no way easy…but we made it and in the midst of “making it” we had an absolutely precious time with Selah and God opened doors on our behalf that helped to bring so much peace to our hearts.

As soon as we arrived this morning we went inside and our wonderful agency representative and translator asked if we could possibly see the area where Selah lives each day. She explained to the director that it would do so much to bring peace to our hearts as we waited and it would also help us to relate more to Selah’s daily life. The director gave us her blessing and first invited us into her office where Selah was waiting for us! There she sat waiting and as soon as she saw us she jumped up with her big smile that fills her beautiful little face! She jumped right into my arms for a hug and then into Daddy’s too! We had brought a bag of candy and had saved enough bubble bottles for each child in the orphanage and the director let Selah hand out the treats to all the boys and girls. It was so cute…she loved sharing her treats and loved being in charge!

One of the caregivers then took us on a tour. We got to see Selah’s sleeping area that she shares with about 10 other children. She has a little white bed and they have all the beds neatly made and on her bed was the blanket we had brought for her. They are making sure she has it to sleep with all the time and promise to remind her that it is from Mommy and Daddy. They showed us her personal little closet and cubby, the bathrooms, and the playrooms. It truly was a nice as I could imagine an orphanage being in a place where they have little money. The ladies that work there seem to really love the children. They do the very best they can with the little that they have. Everything was so nice and clean and tidy and organized which helped me to understand how important routine is to her. She has lived a life with almost the very same routine every single day…everyone is expected to do the very same thing with the group and there just isn’t a great deal of differentiation. This is what they have to do to best serve many children with few employees. So, each time we did something new or different and she would become nervous and begin rocking and tapping the sides of her little face, I knew it was because of how strange it must feel to her to be outside of this routine.

As we were touring, all the sweet little angels that live there just attached themselves to us…the look up at you with these big sad eyes that just seem to say “I want a family, too….me too…”. It is heart wrenching. I wish I could do something to ensure that each one of those angels had a family…. There was one little boy who kept giving us hugs and literally wrapped his arms around Bryan’s leg and didn’t want to let go. He looked at us with the hugest brown eyes I have ever seen in my life. My big ol’ solid rock of a husband had a lump in his throat…and I was right there with him. Maybe someone out there reading this would love to be his forever family? I can promise you he will melt your heart in less than one second!

We talked with the director a bit more, asking a few questions, and getting such a good feeling from her. We left her our webcam and she gave us her skype account and we set up times when we can skype with Selah! How incredible is that? She also looked through all of the special books I had made for Selah about our family and special toys, baby doll, and a talking picture frame with all of us telling Selah how much we love her! She assured us that she would make a point of either reading the books to her herself or having one of the caretakers do it on a regular basis. She was so kind to us and told us she was so happy for Selah and that she could tell that we truly loved her and would take wonderful care of her. I just kept smiling and crying and thanking her. When Selah was near me, I could hold in the tears, but when she wasn’t I lost that strength and the tears poured.

She understood the trouble we were having with saying good-bye and to help ease that pain and help Selah have a little bit more time with us, she let us take Selah into the village for lunch as well as our regular playtime. That gave us an extra hour! So, off we went into the village to play at the park where she immediately headed to the snack stand and wanted her peach juice….and yup…you guessed it…drank it down in less than 2 minutes! And that lead to a wet diaper (they don’t potty train until 5) which I had to change in the middle of the park and she was quite uncomfortable with that!!!! But, she handled it remarkably well and we ended up laughing together over the awkwardness of the park bench :-)

After the park, we went to a restaurant where our translator ordered her a soup that was similar to what she usually eats. She ate some of it, but once she tasted my chicken and French fries…the soup was history! She will definitely fit into the American way of life! She LOVED the little chicken bites and HAD to have ketchup on those French fries! She made us laugh so hard because she was doing the “raise the roof” dance move to the pop music that was playing loudly at the restaurant! She loves music so much and always sings along with an uncanny ability to pick up the melody and rhythm immediately! The second she heard the music up went the hands and perfectly to the beat, I mind you!

Then came the time to take her back…the time to say “good-bye”. She wanted Daddy to carry her and he said that the closer we got, the tighter she held onto his neck. It was as if she knew something was going on. We went back to the director’s office and chatted and had a last couple of giggles and lots of hugs and kisses. Bryan kept whispering in my ear to stay strong…I think he was doing it halfway to help me and the other half to help himself. We did it and made sure her last memories were of smiles. She blew us kisses and left to go take a nap. They shut the door and again the tears fell. I could feel God, though and I could feel His presence and His gentle reassurance that it would all be okay. I just needed to focus on the future and the still miraculous fact that this beautiful little girl was going to be ours and we were being given this incredible gift.

So now….I think about the day that will soon come. The day where I will have three noisy kiddos running through the house and a quiet night in the future when I will not have just two rooms to go to before I sleep, but rather three. Now I quietly go into each room and watch Zachary and Landon sleeping peacefully and I kiss their little foreheads and whisper my prayers of thanksgiving to Jesus for allowing me to be their mommy and then whisper into their ears “ I’m so glad that God gave me you”. But soon, that quiet night will come, and I will have a third bedroom to go into and I will quietly whisper..”Thank You, Jesus, for letting me be her mommy” and then “I’m so glad God gave me you.”

Reality

2010-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Reality is setting in. Today was still a miracle and I am so thankful to God for each moment He has given us…but the reality of our situation and the fact that tomorrow (Thursday) will be our last day with Selah before we leave kept lurking in the background of our minds.

Before we left this morning I was reading my Bible, and in it I read II Corinthians 3:17 which says “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (emancipation from bondage, freedom). God always works in such creative ways to show us the words He wants us to hear. This verse had been one that a very close friend of mine has referred to before in her own prayer life over her child and she had recently prayed that scripture in regards to Selah and the whole adoption process. I knew when I read it that I needed to be claiming that promise from God over our Selah’s life today.

When we arrived today we were alone and without our translator so it was a different situation for Selah. When she first entered the room where we were waiting for her, she seemed a bit hesitant at first, but then she came over to us with a big hug…but the hug for some reason made her nervous…and she began to show some typical institutional behaviors. We had seen these behaviors a little bit the last few days, but today was just like I earlier stated…reality. It hit me so hard and so deep… to the very depths of my heart that this precious little girl who I already love as though she had been born from me…has spent the last four years rocking herself to find comfort…tapping her hands to the side of her head to find comfort…It was reality that my daughter didn’t have a Mommy or Daddy or special someone to pick her up when she was hurt…to kiss the booboos away, to make the scary nightmare disappear, or to simply help her through any of the moments of insecurity in her life. I think of all the times our boys have needed that extra time in the rocking chair, or their backs beings rubbed, or the quiet moments where they could sit on my lap and cry about the disappointments in life. She has never had that…instead she has had to find a way to comfort herself in her moments of stress, sadness, nervousness, or hurt. My heart grieved.

In the midst of the grieving, God reminded me to come to Him. I prayed…I prayed and claimed His promises for freedom from any hurt, ache, or emptiness from her past. I prayed for peace and joy to fill her heart. I prayed that we could meet her immediate needs right at that moment. I prayed for His Holy Spirit to live in her heart…to reign over all her troubles…over all the areas where life had let her down. I held her in my arms, rubbing her back, and silently prayed. And then God, our awesome God, met us right where we were and a peace and calm came over our little Selah and the happy, giggly, spunky little girl was back with the biggest, cutest smile you could ever imagine! We’d made it through. I was given the blessing of giving her physical comfort in her time of need and God calmed her little spirit and set her free.

After that the day went well. We read a couple of books from Grandma and played with the playdough she loves so much. She particularly loved the one book that is a touch and feel book and she would rub the soft fur part of each animal listed in the story to her face and say "awwwww...". So cute! Then we went for a walk again to the village and to the park where she had another bottle of juice, but this time she chose peach juice! She definitely had the straw function mastered and downed that bottle of juice in less than five minutes! She was NOT setting that bottle down until it was ALL gone! From there we went for another walk along a little path to a little country church that was hundreds of years old and very pretty. She wasn’t crazy about walking uphill so I picked her up and carried her. We sang songs together and cuddled all the way up the hill! She has an incredible ability to hear a song and then hum the melody almost perfectly! She held on so tight and kept holding my face and playing with my hair and giving me sweet kisses. I really think my heart just may burst…literally!

On the way down the hill, she wanted to run and have us chase her…I was worried because her muscle tone is not great and she hasn’t had many opportunities to run and develop those muscles. My worries came to fruition and she fell down and bumped her head. She had quite a goose egg on her forehead. I felt horrible! The positive was that when it happened and I quickly picked her up and held her and tried to kiss the booboos…she calmed down. I thanked God that He has again allowed me to be her comfort. Just as I am always so thankful that He has allowed me to be the Mommy to Zach and Landon and given me the blessing of being their physical comfort, I am praising Him now that He has given me this same opportunity with Selah. She is quite an amazingly tough little thing though, because even with that big ‘ol goose egg, she was finished crying and giggling again in about 5 minutes!

We brought her back to the orphanage because it was time for lunch and Bryan put kisses in her little pocket and without us even have to explain it to her, she took the kisses out of her pocket and plopped them on her lips! Precious!
In the afternoon we went back and immediately Selah was comfortable again. I praised God for her comfort and her peace…she didn’t show any of the nervousness as she had that morning. It had gotten quite chilly so we only played outside for a little bit and then went inside to play in the little room. We went through every toy and every creative idea we had for the next two hours in a room that is approximately 5’ x 10’ and filled with furniture. It kind of reminds me of waiting in a Doctor’s office with a small child and trying to amuse them! Bryan is soooooooo good at being silly so we did great and Selah and him had a blast being absolutely silly together! She cracks us up with her wild sense of humor! I think the Schumaker home is truly going to someday be comedy central with Mommy bearing the brunt of it all! :-)

As our time came to an end tonight, she went away easily because she was hungry and ready for dinner, but I guess when she realized she was going back to all the children and we weren’t coming with her, she began to cry…. How are we going to get through the next few months?

Please, Lord, I am asking for speed in this process…please do not let any paperwork be delayed…let us all be together soon

Hugs, Kisses, and Lots of Giggles!

2010-08-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today was another amazing day…sometimes I cannot believe that we are here and living this miracle. God touched my heart so long ago and engraved upon it the desire to adopt a child, a little girl. He introduced me to her 8 months ago and told me she was the one. My heart was broken when it didn’t work out…but His plan was so much bigger than I ever imagined and He brought her back to us! Now here we are…loving her…holding her…giving and getting lots of kisses and hugs…and hearing a laughter that comes straight from her belly and makes our hearts bubble over every minute we are with her.

Selah is absolutely meant to be a Schumaker! Oh my stars! You should hear her laughter and her energy truly will give our boys some BIG competition! I had often thought I would someday have a demure, quiet little girl who would just be so dainty and calm….ohhhhhhhh no! That would not be the plan! This little girl has SPUNK! She loves nothing more than to race around kicking and throwing a soccer ball and thinks it is absolutely hilarious when she can manage to plunk it right on our heads…ESPECIALLY Daddy’s! Today they started a funny little game of making faces at each other. She couldn’t stop laughing! Her laughter is that kind that starts waaaaay down deep in her belly and just completely consumes her! Precious is not even adequate to describe her laughter and watching her and her daddy play together.

Today she also discovered how fun it is to be swung up in the air while holding each of our hands. As we were walking, we did the “one, two, three…weeeeeeeee!” and swung her in the air. She loved it and had us do it no less than 20 times! She would even imitate our counting and say a really cute version that kind of went like “eno, sebet, tree, WEEEEEEE!” and if we didn’t respond, be sure to know that she had no trouble communicating that she was certainly displeased with the situation!

We were even able to call Zachary and Landon at the Nolan’s before they went to school this morning! We were on the playground with Selah and really wanted to be able to wish Zach our best on his Karate testing and report today! It worked out wonderfully because we put them on speakerphone and Selah heard them and said “Hi” to them as well. She held the phone by her ear for a moment and said a little something that none of us could understand :-) It was so neat for the boys to get to hear her and talk to her! She was smiling BIG! It was so good for us, too, because we are missing those two little guys like you wouldn’t believe!

Each day we bring Selah a few more of the “goodies” that we brought along for her from both us and others. This morning, we brought a cute little brown and pink leopard print outfit and an adorable little bracelet and necklace her grandma made for her. She loved putting on the jewelry and kept saying “hubava” which means beautiful! Her caretaker helped me with the clothing to make sure I had bought the correct size and she was so happy for Selah. She really seems to love her, which makes me feel so much comfort for when we leave. When we came back in the afternoon, Selah was all dressed up in her new outfit and wearing her jewelry! It was so stinkin’ cute! Her caretaker also told us that Selah had cried in the afternoon because she missed us and wanted us to come back. Knowing that made my heart ache for her because I just cannot stand the thought of her hurting, but also made me rejoice in the fact that this little girl is already bonding with us deeply. Thank You, Jesus! And thank you to all of you who have been praying for this bond to happen!!! Please continue to pray for that and all that is to come!

I want to again say “THANK YOU” to everyone who sent us off with filled suitcases for the orphanage! The director was so happy and loved everything and appreciated it so much! It made her so happy that she gave us permission to take Selah for a walk into the village where we were able to treat her to her first soda and bottled juice! She LOVED it! She did the same thing Zachary and Landon do to the straws…bite them to death! She thought it was quite funny! It was such a treat to take her out of the orphanage…it gave us a hint of the feeling of what it will be like someday when we bring her home. I wish I could have taken pictures of the things everyone sent with us, but we are not allowed into the main part of the orphanage. We are only allowed on the main level with the offices and a small room where we play with Selah. I would so love to get the opportunity to see the environment where she lives…to see the play area, eating area, sleeping area. But not even our translators are allowed. I guess that is the rule in all the orphanages here in Bulgaria.

Please know, though, that all that love you sent with us will be felt by these children. I have seen many of them playing on the playground and they are all so precious. If only every child could have a family…seeing their eyes watch us and crave adult interaction and love breaks my heart. I pray for each and every little child here (and all over the world) that does not have a family. I pray that God touches their heart and shows them Who He is and comforts them…that each child may know Him and know that they were created by the God of the universe Who creates all things good and beautiful and that they are loved dearly by Him and that they are NOT forgotten…but rather they have been chosen and are cherished by their Father in Heaven.

In between visits, Bryan and I went off to do a little hiking and exploring. The area is so beautiful. It is a mountainous region that is so incredibly green with lush foliage. We climbed up a million steps and walked along a path and eventually found a beautiful park. Tomorrow we want to explore the park more because today by the time we found it, we had to leave to go meet our translators for lunch! It seems we eat here A LOT! We think the food is amazing! It consists of a lot of vegetables prepared in various ways, lots of potatoes, and meat. Cheese is on practically everything and each of the dishes we have ordered comes with tomatoes and cucumbers alongside the entry. I haven’t seen a regular lettuce salad yet, but rather their salads are a mixture of various vegetables. If you aren’t a vegetable person or a potato person, you would have some trouble, but we are loving it and find ourselves eating waaaaay too much! I thank the Lord each day for our translators because without them, I would not have a CLUE what I was ordering. In the larger cities like Sofia, they have the menus in English, but not in our little village! Here is what the menu looks like….scary, huh?!

See what I mean?

The photos just do not do justice to the true beauty

Thanks again for all the love, good wishes, and prayers!

Until tomorrow….. :-)

Fallen Head Over Heels

2010-08-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Where do I start…so many emotions…so much to say. Today was incredible. God was so present and so good…He melted our hearts even more than they were before and all the prayers over the last few weeks asking Him to prepare her heart to know us and feel our love, were answered. She responded so well to us! At first Selah was nervous and we could see she wasn’t quite sure, but within a few minutes she warmed up and within a half hour she was giving hugs and plopping sweet kisses on our cheeks! She already knows that Daddy is the fun one and was giggling herself to death with him! It was so precious!

I heard her voice before I saw her and I immediately knew it was hers from the videos I have watched a million times over. That was all it took to start the tears from falling…which was good because it gave me time to get it together before she actually came to the room in which we were waiting for her! Her caretaker took her upstairs and dressed her in a cute little dress to meet her “visitors”. Then in walked our little princess! She was exactly as I envisioned…our Selah..our gift from God.

We played for about an hour in the room and then she had to leave to go eat lunch. She was hungry! She bolted for lunch, but not without giving us our hugs and kisses goodbye! She loved her little baby doll and kitty from Zachary and Landon and she absolutely LOVES Teddy Grahams and this little princess candy bracelet we brought her!!! She fits right in as a Schumaker! She will definitely be able to hold her own at the dessert table!

At 4:30 we were allowed to visit again and this time we spent a couple of hours inside and then outside on the playground. She really started showing us the love at this point! She was so happy and full of giggles! At the end of this visit, she wasn’t ready to leave for dinner…even being hungry wasn’t enough to want to walk away from us. She would only leave after we promised her that we would be back in the morning…and then we got some more of her precious little hugs and kisses and a good-bye. Then as she walked out the door, she turned and blew me a kiss. Talk about an incredible moment....I’m gone…soooooo totally fallen…and Bryan? Well the tough guy who says he lives in a cave to stay the ever solid rock…well, he’s definitely gone too! He is wearing his heart right on his sleeve and his eyes show the same love I see when I watch him with our boys. This little girl may not be ours to bring home yet…she may not be ours on paper yet…but she is ours in every other sense of the word. We love her so very very much….love at first sight. Thank You, Jesus!

If only Zach and Landon were here to share all this with us. We miss them so much, but we know they are doing just great and having a wonderful time with family and friends! Mommy and Daddy miss you guys, though!!! We love you sooooo much and can’t wait to tell you more about your sister!!!

Later I’ll have to tell you about the food here…yummmmmm is all I have time for at the moment, though!!

Behind these fences is home right now to our little princess.

In this picture you can see a bit of the orphanage

Selah and Bryan pushing the cuddly kitten Zach bought for her on her favorite swing.
Someday I will be able to post her beautiful little face on this blog...but for now I have to wait
until she is legally ours.

A picture in the small village where Selah lives.

Please keep praying for our little girl and that she continues to bond with us, that she somehow will understand when we leave that it is not by our choice and that we will be back just as soon as we are given permission, and that our sweet Zach and Landon continue to filled with peace as we are gone, aaaannnddd that the Nolans will find at least a moment's rest between their 3 kids and our 2 and being my internet when I don't have it!! :-)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart..." - Proverbs 3:5 (a dear friend just reminded me of that verse - Thank you, Leanne!)

We Made It!

2010-08-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well....we are here! Safe and sound...extremely exhausted...but here and a step closer to holding Selah! Our morning started with a 2 hour and 40 minute delay in Phoenix, but then made it just in time to Chicago to get on the plane for Munich! Then......we arrived in Munich on time and had about 30 minutes to get to the next flight. A sweet gal who could walk faster than any other person I have seen in my life guided us to the gate that would get us on our flight to Sofia. We boarded the plane....sat...waited..the air conditioning wasn't working...and something else was wrong so they said to deboard and in two hours it would be fixed. In two hours we reboarded and the same thing happened again! At that point, my tears started, because I had been up for over 24 hours straight (I couldn't sleep on the flight), we didn't know when or how we would get to Sofia, and Bryan's cell phone wasn't working and I had promised the boys we would call!!!

But, God took care of us, gave me a nice comfy bench to sleep on for an hour, gave us a telephone through Lufthansa so we could call the boys, and then got us on a flight to Sofia! We ended up in the Munich airport for 7 hours, but we are here now and I am going to sleep in 5 minutes for only about 5 hours until we will be picked up in the morning and driven to the orphanage!

AND...tomorrow my post will be SO MUCH BETTER 'cuz it will be about our little girl!

Selah, we're comin'!!

It's Really Truly Here...We are Heading to Bulgaria!

2010-08-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day...a day for which I have waited and prayed for a looooooong time! It is here and OH MY STARS, the journey it has been and the powerful way in which God has revealed Himself leaves me a changed person. The funny thing is, though, that I know that I have only traveled a portion of this journey and I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that God is going to continue to change me and continue to reveal Himself in so many ways!

So....first and foremost I just HAVE to say THANK YOU to so many people who have loved, supported, and encouraged us along the way! I have had so many wonderful friends with a heart for orphans show up with bags and boxes of stuff for me to bring to donate to the orphanage! How could I ask for a greater blessing than those God has surrounded us with in our lives?

We have family and friends who have gone out of their way time and time again and I am so very thankful...thankful for a loving family and the most amazing friends ever who are caring for our boys while we are gone....thankful for friends who are checking in on our sweet dog, thankful for teachers who are going above and beyond to be a part of this adoption journey with our boys, thankful for the sweet presents for our precious little Selah, thankful for the massive donations to the orphanage, thankful for all the kind and encouraging words, and last but defintiely not least....I am so thankful to all of you who have kept us in your prayers and interceded on our behalf and on behalf of our Selah and all the other children in the orphanage where she lives. Please keep those prayers going because we still definitely need them and I am still counting on miracles to be unfolding day after day!

I am planning on being able to update this blog daily when we are in Bulgaria! Hopefully internet connections will be readily available!!!

Then they said, “Ask God whether or not our journey will be successful.”

“Go in peace,” the priest replied. “For the Lord is watching over your journey.” -Judges 18:5-6 (NLT)

Just a few shots of all the donations!!! Isn't it great?!

Makin' my List and Checkin' it Twice....

2010-08-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

I am finally feeling like I've checked off all the important tasks that need to be done to leave on the 28th! Whew! Now it is just the fine tuning of all the details like making SURE I know how to skype so we talk with and see our boys everyday! It sure is going to be difficult to leave them for almost 8 days, but thanks to absolutely wonderful family friends, I know they will be well loved while we are gone!

I don't think there will be any way around a frantic mind those last few days,though! It always seems that no matter how well organized I try to be, the last few days before a big trip is always frantic for me....and this is a BIG TRIP!

I can hardly believe that we are going to meet our little girl in just 2 weeks! My heart seems to have this constant stream of emotions running through it that sometimes make me want to bust out with a laughter-filled joy and the next minute I'm ready to cry with that SAME joy...pretty crazy, I know.... Waaaaaaaay too emotional for my sweet, but very logical husband! He's not quite sure what to make of me lately...but he smiles and loves me anyway :-)

So, as my heart explodes, I keep thinking...
How her little smile might look when I get to witness it in real life....
or whether or not there will be a sparkle in her eyes when we get to hear her giggle?
I wonder if she really likes pink or if that is just what all her photos seem to have her dressed in!
What might her first thoughts of us be?
What will that moment be like?
and then I journey a little further into the future and wonder if she will like swimming in the pool just as much as her brothers and if she will want Daddy to make big waves and go with her down the slide?
I wonder what she will think of pizza and ice cream and donuts?
Will she love being rocked?
I wonder if she will be more of a "girly-girl" or if her brothers will entice her into the world of action figures, dueling battles with swords, mud puddles, and fast action-packed fun?

Our sweet little, Selah....if you only knew how much we already love you...how you are a part of our every thought in the day...and how we have prayed for you for soooooo long and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives, and how we dream of the day we are not a family that is separated, but rather a family all together right here at home.

Our Selah...
Chosen,
Cherished,
Beloved.

"For this child I prayed...." 1 Samuel 1:27

Travel Dates

2010-08-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

We received confirmation of our travel dates on Friday! We will be leaving on August 28th and returning on September 4th. I can hardly believe that the time is actually coming close to the day I will get to meet our little girl for the first time and wrap my arms around her and hold on tight! My only sadness is that our boys cannot come with us. They so badly want to be with us and get the chance to meet their sister and give her a great big hug! It will be hard for me, as well...I have never been away for the boys for more than a couple of nights, but I know it will be so worth it and I am thanking the Lord for the incredible technology of today that will enable us to talk and even skype!

So.....only 21 more days until meeting our Selah....a day, as you know, long awaited!! :-)

If anyone has any recommendations for the trip as far as travel, stuff to bring, or ANYTHING you think may help in our preparation or time in Bulgaria, I would love to hear from you! Please post or email me!

What Happens When You Surrender

2010-08-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I left you with my last post at a point where I had finally realized I needed to surrender myself and all my desires and needs to God...I realized that I needed to be extremely honest and "real" with Him so that I could lay down what I wanted and let God work.

So...what happened? At first, just an incredible sense of peace that gave me the strength and the conviction to know that even if this adoption journey took me 5 years, I was ready to be on the journey. It was a sense of peace that allowed me to truly give this little girl back to God. I was no longer saying it with words that didn't connect to my heart...the peace was proof that my heart, mind, and soul were all in alignment. I had decided that there was a reason....maybe I was just meant to intercede on her behalf in prayer throughout her life and I could thank God for that incredible privelege that would let me be a part of her life forever, even if she didn't know it or ever know me.

So about a week passed and I happened to remember that I had not ever checked out an adoption chat group that I had signed up for before any of this had ever begun. I opened my account and saw over 600 emails! Yikes! SO....I deleted many and then just started reading some interesting threads. After a few days of reading I noticed one person who would just make the most positive posts that were just so encouraging to my heart. They were a voice of reason within a sometimes sea of frustration! After following this person's story I decided to send her an email to say thank you for the encouragement, positive comments, and voice of reason. That email began email communication between us and eventually she connected me to someone else she thought I would connect with.

Well.....from here the story becomes even more miraculous and I wish I could share it all, but I don't want to possibly say too much due to regulations. But God (isn't that always the case...but GOD!! ) made one thing transpire into another and before I knew it, the knowledge that this little girl that we had so fallen in love with in January, was once again available!!! Our caseworker and agency had no idea and they were just as stunned as I was. At first, I couldn't believe it was true. I kept thinking it had to be another little girl with the same name or something!! But no....it was her! Our family was in a state of shock but in complete agreement that we would re-apply immediately!

Ooooo, after we have her home, I will share more, but if you could only know how powerfully I felt the Holy Spirit...in my prayer time as I sought His guidance....in worship at Church when I felt His comfort. I have never in my life felt Him so near to me as I have felt Him in the last 2 1/2 monthsand the unfolding of these events....It is so awesome...I just want the world to feel what I have felt :-)

We applied again and waited almost three weeks and got our approval! Our caseworker called when I was on the way home from school with the boys and I was crying and laughing and the boys were absolutely screaming with joy!!!! Our sweet caseworker joined right in with us and was just so happy for all of us!!! It was truly one of my life's greatest moments!

Now we are doing paperwork and waiting for our travel dates...hopefully it will be soon :-)

I'll leave you with this verse from the book of Ezra. It was an evening I was desperately seeking guidance from Him and I asked Him to direct me to the book and the verse He desired me to hear....and this is it:

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves beofre our God to seek from Him a straight and right way for us, our little ones, and all our possessions. Ezra 8:21

And verse 23 showed me just how true His promises are in the here and now:

So we fasted and besought our God for this,

and He heard our entreaty.

The Lord is My Strength

2010-08-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

This was something I wrote at the end of May. (This timeline is important) It was so significant because it marked such a huge step of healing and a huge step in my relationship with God. It was an epiphany of sorts....

O Lord, you are my lamp.

The Lord lights up my darkness.

In Your strength I can crush an army;

With my God I can scale a wall.

-2 Samuel 22:29-30 (NLT)

I have been going through a season of frustration the last few months that have left me with a complete verbal void. It really all began in January when the photo of a beautiful little girl from Bulgaria appeared in my email inbox one day. The moment I saw her my heart opened wide and if ever I had felt the Holy Spirit, it was then. Because she was a little older than we had planned, labeled “special needs”, and not our official “referral”….we followed the steps to ensure that this little girl was the “one” meant to be part of our family. We prayed like crazy, talked with doctors, talked with our caseworker and then took the steps to adopt her. I was so sure this was right and that God had His hand in this and it was what He wanted. But, the day that her file was presented to Bulgarian government, it turned out that another family wanted her, too…and they got her. My heart still aches as I write this 5 months later. How could I have been so wrong?

For people who have not adopted, you might not understand this grief because, honestly, I wouldn’t have understood it even one year ago myself. God gives us a Mommy’s heart whether that child grows in you and you meet her at that first garbled cry seconds after she enters the world…or whether you first see her face in a photo or video when she is 3 ½ years old. It is such an amazing thing He does, but without even realizing it, I was holding a huge grudge against Him for that amazing miracle He so lovingly gives to us. Maybe it sounds ignorant to say I didn’t even realize I was holding that grudge, but I can promise you that I was telling myself all the right things straight from the Word of God! I listened to Godly counsel and teaching and nodded my head in agreement to all of it because I KNEW IT WAS RIGHT! But, my heart didn’t get it…

So, we all know what happens when we hold a grudge, right? We grow distant from whatever it is we resent. I hid it well, though! But that is where religion and relationship are two such different things. I was doing what my religion had taught me…going to Church, reading my Bible, listening to worship music, praying. But, guess what, the prayers were religion! I wasn’t getting real with God. I wasn’t being honest enough with Him to tell Him I was mad to let Him into my heart to make the healing begin. My relationship with Him was so luke warm.

Luke warm doesn’t get you through when life happens and challenges mount. But here I am now, and I have learned that I need to keep it real with my Savior. I was really mad at Him for allowing me to feel like it was so right and then to, in a sense, take her away from us. I was mad that the adoption process with Bulgaria seemed to come to a standstill for awhile. I was mad that some very special people were taken from us and others were caused to grieve so desperately. I was mad that I have had unanswered health problems that keep coming up and interfering with how I have always lived my life. AND…I’m still working through that “mad” with Him, but the difference now is that I am giving Him my whole self…even the ugly part I wanted so badly to hide from Him. Now I’m letting Him heal my ache and letting Him work out all things in His time.

And this is where the Bible verse ties into my story: Throughout this time my prayers were very appropriate and very politely asked Him to “give me strength”, ”give me wisdom”, ”give me patience”. But here is the problem. I asked Him to give me those things as though I were ordering it from a stranger that worked behind a checkout counter at a supermarket. Because I was holding a grudge against Him, I couldn’t get close enough to Him to ask what I really needed to be asking, which was not to simply “give” me those things that I need. He could give me those things and I would let them go to waste because I am nothing without Him. What I needed to ask was “Lord, please BE my strength, my wisdom, my patience, my EVERYTHING!” God wants to BE our strength. He wants to fill us with the power of the Holy Spirit. I can’t receive that power unless I am laying it ALL before Him and spending the time to be real before Him…having a true relationship with Him that in turn will make the grudge fall away and replace it with real relationship and worship.

I will leave you with more from 2 Samuel.

O Lord, You are my lamp.

The Lord lights up my darkness.

In Your strength I can crush an army;

With my God I can scale any wall.

God’s way is perfect.

All the Lord’s promises prove true.

He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

For who is God except the Lord?

Who but our God is a solid rock?

God is my strong fortress,

And he makes my way perfect.

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

Enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

He trains my hands for battle;

He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

You have given my Your shield of victory;

Your help has made me great.

You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping.

2 Samuel 22:29-37

Lord, please Be my strength in the midst of my weakness, my wisdom in the midst of my ignorance, my patience in the midst my frustration, my love in the midst of my anger. Lord, I ask for Your Holy Spirit to permeate my being and BE all that I am not. I thank You for being my solid Rock…my strong Fortress…and for loving me when I’m not so loveable. In Your Perfect Name I pray. Amen.

I'm FINALLY Back....With Amazing News!

2010-08-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

I know it has been six months since my last post. It is really quite embarrassing...but after our heartbreak in January, this blog just seemed to represent the loss of her and I just COULDN'T make myself write. It's quite funny, though....because I have been writing, but just saving the docs in my computer files!

But, the last few months have been amazing and have lead me through quite a desert where I have grown closer to God...and now? Now, Praise God, I have entered the Promised Land!!!!! (Well, with a few more battles to get through, but God's Promises are good!)

So......here is the AMAZING news!!!!!! Are you ready? The little girl our hearts fell so desperately in love with in January will now be ours!!! Yup! Can you believe it? We have received our referral for her and we are going to be given the blessing of calling her our daughter!

How did it fall through in January and now in August we have a referral? Oh my stars it is a looooong story, but I'm going to make a couple of posts to show you how amazing God is and how He continues to work miracles today...and that His plans are amazing! (I'm at a loss for a word other than ...AMAZING!)

Not Us....

2010-01-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

Our news was not what we wanted to hear. The little girl with whom we had all given our hearts was given to another family....

I praise God that her life will still begin anew and she will be loved and cherished, but it would be a lie to say that my heart is not broken.

I don't understand why God made my heart respond to her in such a way and allowed me to fall so in love with her. I don't understand how our family, even our little guys, could just see her as the perfect fit. I don't know why it felt so completely right. But, for some reason the MOJ decided on another family and I have to believe God's hand was in that and that He was doing what was best for her and for us. He sees the bigger picture and I am thankful to Him for that, but it has left an ache in my heart...a big one. I don't like this side to the emotional rollercoaster of adoption.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.
'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Exciting News!

2010-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

The Lord once again shook up my little version of how things would happen and showed me that I am sooooo not in control of His plan....because...that is exactly it....it's His plan, not mine!!!

Well, the other day I opened up an email that had waiting children listed in it, and opened a photo that made my heart pound, my hands shake, and my tears fall! I seriously got so warm I thought I might pass out...yes, I know, just a bit unstable :-)

So, after much discussion and prayer, we have decided to apply to adopt this little girl! Hopefully we will find out Friday if she will be ours! I am trying desperately to guard my heart and be ready to accept God's will if we don't get her, but oh how I would appreciate your prayers for this little girl, for our hearts, and for God's Hand to be guiding the direction of the MOJ!

I'll keep you posted!

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. Hebrews 10:36

Third Day

2009-12-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't let the whole Christmas Season pass without posting this.... I absolutely cannot stay dry-eyed when I hear this song! For those of you who have already adopted or are in the process....doesn't this song just seem to give words to the feelings living in not only your heart, but in the depths of your soul?

Christmas Prayers for Our Little Girl

2009-12-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

As I wait for you my faith claims the promises given to me from our awesome God above.

Right now I am not yet holding you in my arms, but I am holding you ever so tightly in my heart.

On this Christmas Eve I crave to know your little face and how it would feel to hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep this very night…

And to know which toy would be your favorite and which of the cookies would you eat to your heart’s delight?

To know if Santa seemed friendly or would he be a scary sight…?

And to see your eyes light up as we shared the Christmas Story sitting by the firelight.

I envision your little face halfway around the world and I allow myself to think…

Did you have the chance to giggle tonight…to play….or cuddle warmly as you fell asleep?

Or….was there no giggling… instead did you feel lonely… trying desperately to feel some warmth and slip into sleep tonight?

But that is not the thought on which I will allow myself to remain

Because I know God’s faithfulness…His love will reign..

And that is where I put my faith…my hopes…my dreams.

On this day we celebrate the birth of our Lord

And He so gently etches deep upon my heart the love He has for us.

It’s a time to celebrate that love

And share it with all those around us and count our blessings one by one.

And, oh, that Love is so amazing and filled with promises…

Promises of joy, and peace, and freedom, and redemption…

And adoption.

So, I cling to those promises and I cling to what I know He can do.

He can take the sadness and replace it with joy.

He can take the lonely away and make a loving family.

And He can bring an overwhelming sense of peace and love that will change that cold to warmth.

If only you could hear my prayer across the world….

You would know my prayer is

for you to know

And for you to feel

The love from God...this great love that can cover it all.

I pray His love is wrapping around you warm and tight

And bringing joy to your heart even when the world is offering none.

I pray that you feel my love even now….even though you don’t know me.

But I believe He is already teaching you about me….

Because long ago He created a special little place in my heart for you, my little one,

A place that makes my heart ache because it longs to hold you tight.

It’s a place in my heart God created with your fingerprints etched all over it

And someday, you and only you, will be able to lay claim to that space.

So my sweet child, while I wait for you, I will claim His promises of love, comfort, and protection from all that may come your way.

And then that day will come!

That day will come when the arms of our Savior,

The very same arms that have been holding you tight,

Will reach out, bring us together, and allow me to hold you so very tight.

I see that day coming…and oh how hard it is to wait,

But, sweet child, when He brings us together

His perfect plan will finally be complete!!

The waiting will be over and then we can begin the next stretch of the journey together…

Forever….as a family.

Merry Christmas, my sweet Selah.

With all my love,

Mommy

Wonderful Book Series

2009-11-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

The Schumaker Family has a children's book series that we hold very dear to our hearts. It is what I call the "God Gave Us" series that is written by Lisa Tawn Bergren. God Gave Us You was our first book. We bought it for Zachary who was only 2 at the time and very excited to have Mommy carrying baby #2 in my belly! Well, Zachary went to all my doctor appointments with me and loved to listen to the baby's heartbeat every time. It was magical for him! The first time we read the book he was fascinated with a page that shows the mommy bear being at the doctor's office with the doctor using a stethescope to listen to the baby's heartbeat. At that moment, Zach decided this was his FAVORITE book EVER!!! We literally read it every single day for almost a full year (even after Landon was born) and often it was more than once a day!!! To this day it is still a top 10 choice for bedtime stories by both the boys and I just have to smile at the sort of crumpled and frayed condition of the book that tells an obvious story of being very well loved and cherished!

That book became such a springboard for wonderful conversations about faith, love, and tenderness. Every night before bed I always say "I'm so glad God gave me you" to both of my boys and when we pray together I thank Jesus out loud for giving me Zachary and Landon. They in turn always thank our Heavenly Father for giving them their mommy and daddy and each other.

Since then we have collected the entire series (God Gave Us You, God Gave Us Two, God Gave Us Heaven, God Gave Us Christmas, God Gave Us Love, and God Found Us You), but best of all.....Lisa wrote God Found Us You! Okay, my fellow adoption journiers (is that a word?)....you will LOVE THIS BOOK! It is such a sweet story about adoption.We were all soooooo excited and we bought it as soon as we could get our hands on it....and we loved it!! I just know that this story will be a huge blessing in Selah's life and our family's life, just as the first one was! I am so excited for the day that I can sit down in our rocking chair with her on my lap and read her that story and share with her the love that comes from our Heavenly Father and then begin to build her trust in our love. I dream of the day she truly knows that we are so thankful that God found her just for us and can hear me thank the Lord for letting me be her mommy! (If you could only see the tears in my eyes right now! :-)

Another neat part to this story is that one night I found myself on Lisa's website because she has writtent the latest sequel called God Gave Us Love. I felt drawn to finding out more about her and was pleasantly surprised to find out that she writes adult Christian fiction as well! I can't wait to read oneof those! But....I sent her an email late that night just because I wanted to share with her how thankful I was that she had allowed God to use her to bless our family and I am sure many other families as well. I actually never really expected to hear anything back and if I did I thought it would be some kind of automated response. But, early the next morning I had a very personal email from her that started a few emails back and forth! Can I just tell you that I just KNOW that she is one special lady and that her writing comes straight from a heart that loves the Lord and wants to share that Love with the world!!! Soooooo..........my conclusion is........

You GOTTA get the books!

Her website is www.lisatawnbergren.com/home.html and you can buy the books almost anywhere, but I am always shopping on www.amazon.com and www.cbd.com . AND if you do like the adoption story called God Found Us You, make sure to leave a review on the websites because publishers need to know that there is a good market for adoption themed children's books.

I Cry at the Sight of Pink

2009-10-15T01:51:00.000-07:00

The other day we stopped by the Disney Store with our boys to shop for a little bit. I was laughing with Zach and Landon about the cute new Toy Story toys and we were checking out everything that has wheels, is electronic, or has some kind of super hero power. I then rounded the corner and what did my eyes behold? Princesses! Pink! Sparkles! ..... and what did I do? I gasped and then the tears started rolling....the kind I felt coming right up from my heart...the kind you almost can't stop! My sweet husband put his arm around me and comforted me. Instead of rolling his eyes like he usually does (just to be funny and sorta push my buttons), he found just the right words to reassure my heart and stop the tears...and as usual, make me laugh!

Seriously though, I'm thinkin' there are a lot of tears in my near future if pink is going to do THAT to me every time!!!! I'm just going to have to keep a supply of Kleenex on me during all my Christmas shopping! By the way, did you see the ADORABLE Disney Princess set of Barbies at Target? AND the Snow White Barbie with the Seven Dwarfs included? Oh my stars!!!!

For in [this] hope we were saved. But hope [the object of] which is seen is not hope. For how can one hope for what he already sees? But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure.
So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us up in our weakness;
Romans 8:24-26 (Amplified Bible)

NBC Approval!!!

2009-09-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Today I checked the mail and guess what was in it!!! We received our NBC Approval Notice! This means we can officially be registered with the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria! I was so pleasantly surprised because it has only been six weeks since we sent in the application! I am so thankful!!

Just yesterday my two little monkeys were in the backseat of the car chanting "We want Selah...We want Selah"! So, today when I got the mail and realized what was in it, I started squealing and cheering. Landon was in the car with me and was so excited because he just felt with the utmost confidence that his chanting is what made this letter come! How precious is that?

Hold on Selah, honey....we are comin'!!!

For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised. Hebrews 10:36

Biometrics

2009-09-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

We have completed our “biometrics” (digital fingerprints) that are a part of the NBC approval! It sounds so official and we have waited so long for our “appointment” but it honestly was one of the quickest processes of this adoption! We were in and out in less than 15 minutes! Praise God!

But I do have to give a brief, but sweet mention to the security guard at the front who in a very gruff way made sure to announce to me that I best not have a cell phone in my purse, and that it MUST be left in the car. My first impression was that he was quite intimidating…but as we reentered the building and he saw my 4-year-old and his best little friend in the world, Kourtny, tag along behind me, his eyes lit up with joy. It was so absolutely adorable. He just couldn’t stop laughing and smiling at our two little cuties!

Now? Now we are just waiting for our approval letter and for the confirmation that our dossier has finished translation. Both of these things should happen at approximately the same time. Then….then we just WAIT for what feels like could be close to forever!

Galatians 5:2-232 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Please come, Holy Spirit, and fill me with the patience I know will only come from You!

Injustice

2009-08-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

Last week I found myself doing some Bulgarian Orphanage searches on YouTube which led me down a very sad road. I had seen some of them before and I knew that most would only bring a heavy sadness to my heart, but I wanted to check to see if there were anymore happy ones?.....Well, where I ended up was on a thread of videos that focused on the discrimination of the Roma People (also known as Gypsy). Now, ever since we made the decision to adopt from Bulgaria I was aware of the discrimination, but I truly did not fully comprehend the full extent of the situation.

Can I tell you that what I saw in the videos and then read in the comments absolutely made my heart twist in pieces and my stomach lurch? The hatred was so deep and angry...I felt like I was reading something that may have taken place in our country 60 years ago...or even worse in Germany almost 70 years ago...or sadly enough in such a horrendous way in Rwanda 15 years ago (See the book "Left to Tell" on my home page list of books). How do people become filled so deeply with hate? How it must make the Lord's heart ache...to see our world and what we have done with it. But...I must focus on His promise and know that there WILL be a day where there will be no more pain. Jeremy Camp's words from his song "There Will be a Day" are just so real. They speak to our hearts about His Promise that WILL make right all the injustice in the world and also about His Promise to never leave those who suffer to walk alone.

There Will Be A Day

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that trys to grab

The many trials that seem to never end,

His word declares this truth,

that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day

with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place, will be no more,

we’ll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel your walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings

And the beauty that’s in store

Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day

where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery

this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day

with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day,

He’ll wipe away the stains,

He’ll wipe away the tears,

He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.

Please continue to pray for not only our little Selah who will most likely be of Roma descent, but for all the children in the orphanages in Bulgaria. Please pray, also, for the families living under that oppression who because they have not been given the opportunity to attend the regular or "quality" schools and acquire a strong education, who have not been given any opportunities for work, or who have not been allowed a life outside of the "gypsy ghetto"...have been forced by circumstance to surrender their children with the hope that they may possibly have a better life someday. Please pray for these families whose hearts are breaking and pray that these children are rescued and that those who care for them in the orphanages are free from hatred and have been touched with a heart filled with love from the Lord.

Here are some links to various articles and videos regarding the plight of the Roma People.

Madonna's latest concert in Romania where she spoke on behalf of the Roma People. http://omg.yahoo.com/news/madonna-booed-in-bucharest-for-defending-gypsies/26947?nc

A YouTube Video discussing Bulgaria's attempt at desegregating the schools. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgN-XxewkVI

YouTube Video again discussiing Roma education.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lzZ7In8KEE&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Moving Along

2009-08-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

After only 10 days of waiting we received a letter saying that our NBC application was received. I was happy about the quick turnover time :-) Then three days later we received an appointment time to get our biometrics (fingerprints) taken. The fingerprint date is September 16th at 1:00 p.m. which is a really great time because Bryan can work it around a late lunch and not have to take too much extra time off from work!

I am so very thankful for the smooth processes that have taken place and I thank each of you out there who have been praying for paperwork to pass along quickly and in the hands of capable and caring individuals! Prayer really does work :-) Please keep praying that our little Selah comes home as quickly as possible and that she knows in her heart that we are coming for her just as soon as we can!!

The Lord replied, “Look around at the nations; look and be amazed! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn’t believe even if someone told you about it. Habakkuk 1:5

Our Paperwork is Almost Done!

2009-08-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Well, the NBC (National Benefits Center) application has been filed, and all other documents needed for the dossier have been notarized, apostilled, and mailed off to All God’s Children so that they can begin the process of translating all the documents into the Bulgarian language. That means that we are almost finished with our paperwork! Now, we will wait for our NBC approval which can take 2-3 months. When we get that, hopefully the translating process will be finished and then we can be registered with the Bulgarian Minister of Justice. Please pray for favor in the approval and translating processes so that we can get one step closer to bringing our Selah home. I don’t want her to spend even a second more than absolutely necessary in any situation where she does not have the love of her very own forever family…the kind of love that I so wish every child in this world had.

I find myself amazed at how God knew before time began that our family would someday adopt…How He knew that He would place that desire deep within our souls. And here we are now having been given the privilege of realizing His grand plan…of feeling that ache in our hearts. As we take each step, I realize that plan even more. Each time I complete something, learn something, or as time simply passes, I find that new feelings erupt and an even stronger emotion and awareness occurs within me. I think how incredibly amazing it is that God knew I would feel this way…even when I never ever imagined the way I would feel!

Even though it could be another year until we get to cuddle and hold Selah in our arms, she is already a part of our family. We think of her all the time and can’t help but talk about her constantly! Zachary and Landon talk to others and write about their sister as if they already know and love her. Our little Zachary closes his prayer EVERY night with “Lord, please take care of Selah and tell her we love her. Let her mommy love her as best she can and don’t let Selah be hurt. Please just let her mommy love her and just not be able to afford her.” Every night he says this, my heart splits in two. It cries out to God repeating my son’s words and asking that He protect her and let her feel the love of a birth mother. But it also aches for the mother that has to surrender her child because she cannot care for her; A Mother that loves her child to a point of surrendering her…surrendering her to the faith that her child will live a better life apart from her. And then?...then I am left firmly standing in faith that God’s Word is Truth and that His Truth says He will make all things good and that from even a tragedy and injustice such as this… He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, and festive praise instead of despair. (Isaiah 61:3)

Our Adoption Story

2009-07-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

Our adoption story starts years ago with my very young heart that simply seemed to melt for all the children of our world. My passion was children in general, but my ache was for those without families…without a Mommy to love them and call their very own. This ache gave birth to a dream….a dream that said possibly, maybe, someday God would bless my life with the story of adoption.

Fast forward many years to the miracle of marrying my incredible husband and having two beautiful biological sons. When Bryan and I decided to have a child, we knew our lives would be forever changed…but we never could even imagine how our hearts could so completely transform into these gobs of mush at the sight of our first child…and the pain our hearts could feel when we learned our little guy was sick and would need doctor’s care and surgery to be healthy someday. My heart literally exploded with love when my both our children were born. I had never before known how deep love can run until I saw them and held them close in my arms…. and then saw their big strong father holding them in his ever so gentle embrace. My feelings of awe and of thankfulness toward our Heavenly Father all came together at that moment and all I could think was how blessed I was that He so lovingly gave me these beautiful boys to call my own here on earth. At that moment…the moment of the miracle of each child’s birth, I understood His incomparable magnificence better than I ever had before. It was that love that Christ gave to me for my biological children that in turn made my heart ache even more for those who didn’t have a mommy to call their own.

The story continues about 3 ½ years later when close friends of ours began the journey of adopting a little girl from China. Their story was a motivation to us as we watched the miracle of adoption take place. I watched and listened and tried to be there as this family went through all the ups and downs of the adoption process. Then the day came of the referral! What a miracle it truly was….the moment I saw this little girl’s photo, I knew that she had been handpicked to be a part of that family! As my friend traveled, I cried almost daily reading each of her blog entries that told the story of finally getting to hold her daughter in her arms and tell her how much she loved her. I cried in the airport as I saw her daddy get tears in his eyes and completely melt as he held his daughter for the first time. And since then? There haven’t been anymore tears…only celebration for this child and this family! A little girl who has flourished beyond words…whose little eyes sparkle just like the princess she is….A princess to the one and only King! There is no sign of a little orphan girl, but rather a complete transformation to a child absolutely cherished and forever loved.

As time passed, Bryan and I talked a little here and there about the possibility of us adopting a little girl. He was concerned about finances and wanted to be sure that we could embark on this journey without putting our family at risk. He worried about all the things a good father worries about. But, God moved in our lives and provided the finances, calmed the worries in Bryan’s heart, and guided all of us to a place of knowing that our family was not yet complete, but through adoption He would complete our family.

In November of 2008 we officially decided that Bulgaria was where God would have our little girl waiting for us. In January of 2009 we decided on All God’s Children International as our adoption agency and in February of 2009 we completed a pre-application. That step took a little longer than expected because I had to get letters written from my doctors regarding a couple of health issues I have. But, we finished that and then sent in our official application on March 8, 2009. The timeline has progressed as follows:

March 8, 2009 - Application to All God’s Children International
April 16, 2009 - Completed Orientation phone call
April 23, 2009 - Signed, notarized, and sent in contract paperwork with payment
June 10, 2009 - Completed Education (Amen!)
June 13, 2009 - Last home study visit
June 27, 2009 - Home study rough draft complete and sent to AGCI for revision

So, as every day passes I feel this sense of urgency that seems to grow and intensify. Maybe it is because each day brings us a little closer and makes it all seem a little more tangible. And maybe it is because I know now that our little Selah (our name we have picked out for her) has been born somewhere in Bulgaria. I know that she is alive, but that she doesn’t know that we are here waiting for the day that we can wrap our arms around her and love her forever. We pray for her every day…we pray that the Lord comforts her and fills her with a peace and joy that can come from only Him and an unnatural assurance that she, too, will have a forever family. We pray that whoever is caring for her right now handles her with gentleness and love and tries to the best of their ability to meet her needs. We pray that her birth mother loves her with all that she has and finds comfort from the Lord in the midst of her decision to bring her child to an orphanage. Please join us in these prayers as we wait for the day we can bring our Selah home.