There is a Princess Turning Five!

Selah is turning five tomorrow! We actually had a little mini-celebration on Friday because her grandma was in town from Kansas. She was adorable all day singing "Happy Birthday" to "deewa Sewah"! She didn't quite have the words, but she nailed the melody line perfectly!  A very precious memory.

We decided not to do anything big at all because a lot of people and excitement still seem to really overwhelm her. Even our very small gathering of my parents and Bryan's mom along with presents, a princess cake (that she picked out :-) ), and ice cream was enough to cause her to become very anxious. She was very happy, but we can always see it when she starts to "deregulate". I learned that big word from our therapist! It is the perfect description for when she goes from a somewhat calm state into this place of super hyperactivity which would then lead to a meltdown. At least we were able to calm her by jumping into her night time routine before she had the meltdown and she even slept pretty well.

I know it has been such a long time since I have posted. My weak excuse is that I am simply wore out. I think part of it is that I am not as young as I used to be, and as cute and sweet and adorable and as absolutely crazy in love we are with her, she is a handful! She shows me so much love and affection one moment and the next she is testing me to the extreme. I so wish I knew what her thoughts were. I wish I could tell her just what she needs to hear to give her peace and chase her fears away...but I can't. I am just not sure why she does many of the things she does, but I do know that whatever the reason, she has a very valid reason for doing them. The longer I live out the reality of adoption, I truly understand so much more. I thought I understood before, but not until now, can I fully comprehend everything your child and your family goes through. Selah is a miracle. Her spirit so bright and her smile and joy so contagious. I can't get through a grocery store without getting stopped several times by people commenting on her smile. She seems to just draw in everyone she meets. To think of the life she had, the traumas she may have experienced, the deep grief, and then to see her smile and the joy she spreads to so many around her is simply a miracle. She shines the light of Jesus brightly from within and I firmly believe He will continue to heal her both physically and emotionally.

We have spent a great deal of time with specialists. We, of course, started with our Pediatrician and from there we were sent to a huge list of specialists. We are waiting on some tests for absolute confirmation, but what has been found is that Selah has Marfan's Syndrome. It is a disease of the connective tissue. Read about it here. It would account for the scoliosis that we noticed when we first picked her up, her super flexibility, her super long legs, and dislocated lenses that were just found last week. We see the cardiologist soon to determine the extent of damage, if any, to her heart. With Marfan's, the scariest part is that it can cause the aorta to enlarge and an anneurism to occur. If there is noted enlargement, there are meds to help keep it from enlarging more and then we would have to make sure she does not participate in competitive sports. If no damage is found, she can participate in whatever she likes and we would just continue to monitor to catch if any enlargement ever begins. 

At this time, like I mentioned, Selah's lenses are dislocated and we will need to monitor her eyes closely to watch for detachment of the lenses or of the retina. Right now she can see through her lenses, but the dislocation has caused astigmatism which is why she is now wearing glasses. She picked out the cutest little pink ones (of course!) and really seems to like wearing them for the most part. Praise God!

Other than that, we have begun speech, occupational, and physical therapy. The strides she is making is absolutely amazing! She is a completely different little girl than the one we brought home 8 weeks ago. Again, watching the miracle of our little Selah, is such a gift...the gift of watching God work. There are still times when the load seems too heavy...when she pushes me away or throws things at me for the one thousandth time in a day...when the boys have behavior that is reflective of an exhausted Mom with her bucket of patience on empty...when Bryan's work keeps him gone for too many hours with no relief...or when I find out about one more specialist I must try to schedule into our very full day. Those are the days I cry....and then feel guilty for crying because my blessings are so many. And then, those are the days when I am reminded that in Jesus there is no condemnation and that He really begins His work when I finally let go and simply stop trying to make it all happen myself. Those are the days that He reminds me of His love and forgiveness and He shows me the beauty of the moment. He shows me that He is our Redeemer and Healer of all and He is there with us in each moment.

Blessings and Smiles,

One Month!

As I sit and reflect today on the last month, so many things come to mind! I have stared into the eyes of our little princess so many times today and watched her smile and heard her giggle over and over. I am simply in awe of her resiliency and in awe of our awesome God Who has been working so faithfully in her little heart and mind...and in ours. The first couple of weeks pushed us to limits that were stretched beyond anything I could have ever thought possible for any of us. Then progress began. Selah began to lay her burdens down. She began to let us love her in the moments of pain. It was still so hard, harder than I ever dreamed, but God kept giving me glimpes of His work and He worked in so many ways to reassure all of us. He worked through those around us loving us and sometimes just happening to say the very word of encouragement we needed to hear at that very moment.

Last week Selah came down with a cold which she seemed to have the worst. We all had the sniffles and didn't feel spectacular, but I think because her little immunity system was down with all the stress, she caught it and had the worst symptoms. Her nose is still running and she sounds congested. But, when she first caught the cold, she was pretty frustrated with it and it just made her plain old grumpy! Sweet Zach told me that morning that he just knew that this was actually a blessing from God because it would give Selah the chance to see how much better it is to be cared for and loved by a Mommy when you are sick. He said she was just going to love me more after this was done...and followed it with a "You'll see, Mom!". My sweet and insightful little guy...he is such a wise little soul who so often knows just the right words to make me feel better!

Well, anyway, the week wasn't the best...it was very exhausting, but in the midst we certainly did see growth in so many areas! She laid back in my arms for the first time that week. It was only a few moments and she had to jump back up, but she did it and since then has been surrending to my love and care even more. Then came Saturday night. To make a long story short, because of her extreme anxiety and stress and not sleeping for almost 48 hours, our doctor gave Selah something to help her sleep. It worked so well and allowed her to get some sleep so that she could deal with each new day and its new set of stimuli. Saturday night, we needed to start the new bottle which had been refilled. Within 20 minutes her personality changed and she raged and raged and cried and cried. She had an adverse reaction because the prescription had been slightly changed. It was awful. We found out later that a very small percentage of the young and the elderly can have this reaction. We called the doctor and after a few hours figured out what had happened and got the right medication which eventually helped and by Monday morning she woke up with her sweet smile! It was all so scary, though, because we were trying to figure out what happened, what triggered these behaviors, and then finally realized about the meds. Bryan and I and the boys were all stretched to the very limits watching our sweet girl regress so much and not know what to do with all this rage.

We had scheduled and rescheduled and rescheduled family photos with Vicki Lynn who is the most amazing photographer and person! She is beautiful inside and out and talented beyond belief! I was bound and determined to make this shoot...even with Selah still pretty unhappy! Our shoot was at 5:00 pm so it had been several hours for the medicine to get out of her system and for the new one to take effect. I continued to have faith that we would make it and at about 4:00 pm we started getting a couple of smiles out of her that would be followed a few minutes later by her favorite phrase which is "No More Mommy!!!!" said with all the feisty emotion one could create! It kinda makes me smile now, even though I of course always tell her "we don't talk to Mommy that way"! Anyway....we headed out to the shoot and it was a challenge, but we had moments of where our sweet girl was shining happy and moments where she was ticked at the world! But, she did love Miss Vicki and had plenty of hugs for her! At the close of the shoot, I was a bit nervous and wondered how the pictures would come out...and last night Vicki sent me the photos and created a slideshow. I sat there and cried because even with all that was going on she was able to capture our love for Selah and her love for us. It was such a gift to me because it showed me that even in the worst of days, we are all a family and our love still shines through! I won't say anymore...just watch!

O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.  Psalm 34:8

http://www.vickilynnphoto.myshowit.com/lb/index.html

We Really Are Alive...Just Quiet!

Sigh....I cannot believe I am actually sitting with my computer on my lap after 11:00 pm with some remaining daily allotted brain cells! I will probably regret my late hours tomorrow, but it really feels great right now! :-)

Life has been more exhausting than I ever could have dreamed! Our sweet Selah has turned our worlds upside down :-) When I look at her cute little face with those round little cheeks, big black eyes, and all 34 pounds (she has already gained 4 pounds with us!)...it just does not seem possible that she could run the Schumaker house hands down! But....in her own little way, she surely does!

She has come so far in the last 25 days. Each day I see the little girl she was meant to be coming out from behind the fear a little more. Each day I see her walls fall down a little more. And each day, we see her turning to one of us just a little bit more instead of one of her learned orphanage behaviors when she is facing a moment of rage, pain, or stress.

Has it been rough? Yes. Definitely. But honestly, I think that the hardest part comes from inside myself. I look at this little girl and I want to do her so much justice. I want to be the Mommy that can kiss all the hurt away. I want to fix her world for her. The yuck that creeps up in me, though, way too often, is the yuck that says "you are not equipped". Those are the darkest moments. It's the ones where I sit in a heap and cry because I just witnessed an ache so big inside a little girl so small and I was unable to make it better.Those are the moments I cry and beg God for the wisdom...to equip me to be the Mommy she needs. In those moments I am so aware of my glaring inadequacies and I am evermore aware of how the healing power of God works. It does not work because of me, but in spite of me. I try so hard to hear Him and follow His guidance. I want so desperately to be the conduit He uses to heal every little emotional and physical ache our baby feels, but the truth is that I am not always able to even be that. Messing up is part of being human and part of being a Mommy, but this time around, I feel the pressure is at another level. She has been failed over and over again in her 4 little years of life and even if my failures are not even similar to the failures she has endured, my heart can often not bear to think of failing her in any way.

I know...heavy stuff. That is why it has taken so long for me to write. I always fear putting the heavy stuff out there because I would never ever want anyone to fear adoption or turn away from a calling on their life to adopt. I also would never want anyone to ever think we have regrets. We don't. Selah is our precious treasure. She is such a blessing and I thank God for giving her to us...for allowing me to be her mommy!

On a happy note, we have just had two nights where she actually fell asleep laying flat! She needed to rock for a couple of minutes, but we have been trying to put pressure on her back with our hand while she rocks (which really annoys her), and then these last two nights, she simply flopped back laid flat, and looked at me like I was super annoying, but, praise God, went to sleep! It is so amazingly wonderful! This is the same little girl that stayed awake for almost 48 hours straight.. rocking many of them. The same little girl that rocked for 12 hours straight and if we tried to touch her, screamed as if we were causing her physical pain. It is also the same little girl who progressed from that to sleeping but only when rocking herself to sleep and then remaining in an upright position the entire night. That same little girl has gone from that in gradual steps to the going to sleep while flat on her back and my arm gently touching her. I call that amazing progress! I call that our amazing God! It leaves me so encouraged for what is to come!

There are so many other happy moments and great things, too. She is understanding so much English. She is speaking a few isolated words and phrases, but her comprehension is amazing! She has really warmed up to the boys and doesn't seem to fear them anymore (or our dog!). She looks to Zach as her protective "big" brother and is allowing him to care for her a little rather than just play. He loves that! She is also connecting with Landon much better, as well.

She is still an adventurous little soul and it makes us smile so big! I have to be very careful though, because too much could cause a huge meltdown. I am getting better at reading her signals better though and I can tell when something is not comfortable for her.

On a funny note, she likes to touch everything...including people. All people. We might be walking by someone and she sees bling on the back end of someones jeans and she hesitates not a second to go see exactly what that bling feels like! Hmm...there is an embarrassingly funny story that goes with that one! ;-)

Also, I feel we have really been blessed with the doctors that God has placed in our lives. Our pediatrician and her whole office staff is amazing! They have also connected us with the best of specialists for all the areas we need to focus and we have appointments lined up. We also have been seeing an absolutely amazing Children's Trauma therapist who works almost exclusively with adoptive and foster children. She is an amazing Christian woman and has been such a blessing in our life.

All in all...we serve an amazing God Who is walking us through each little step and we are so thankful to Him for our little treasure. We see Him working miracles each day and we feel Him comfort us in each moment of despair. God with us...Emmanuel.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach Good News to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

 

We started swimming lessons for therapy and she did great!

Hmmm.I'm thinking she has stolen the hearts of Grandma and Grandpa!

Big Brother Zach. A precious moment.

Love for Daddy while coloring Easter eggs.

Lovin' the Easter Egg hunt we made in our backyard!

Our family of 5! Easter Sunday at Church.

Landon and Selah...melt my heart!

Our little KU fan! Aunt Denise sent her this cute dress just 'cuz she knows how much Daddy loves KU!

 

Unfolding with the Power of God

God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3) - One of many verses I am claiming for my daughter.

Our transition has been rough...way rough, but as I watch my daughter be changed each day, I know that God's promises are reigning as truth in her life.

She is beautiful. She is precious. She is a treasure and I am so glad that God gave me her.

Her grief is immense and achingly intense and often my emotions feel as though they are completely raw. It hurts so badly to watch your child hurt and not be able to help them.

She is unfolding, though, each day. Her smiles are so bright...I personally think they light up the whole world! Each day I see a little more of who Selah is meant to be unfolding from beneath the layers of protection she has formed over the years. I am waiting with joy and anticipation for the awesome work of God to shine brightly for all the world to see! Someday, our princess is going to live with a freedom and confidence that is reflective of her knowledge that she is chosen, cherished, and beloved by not only her family, but by the God of the Universe. She will know that she is a princess to the King!

An amazing friend of mine has put together a massive document of foundational scriptures. Here are a handful of the ones I have been focusing on when I am praying over Selah. I thought I would pass them along to all of you. I think they are perfect for our little ones we are waiting to get and for the little ones snuggled safely in their beds right now. Enjoy!

Leviticus 26:6 I will give you peace in the land and you will be able to sleep without fear.

Leviticus 26:13b I have lifted the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk free with your heads held high.

Psalm 30:5b Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34:19 A righteous person faces many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.

Psalm 145:13b,14 The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, curing their pains and their sorrows.

Is 43:18-19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 53:4-5 Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows. He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him. And by His wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me because the Lord has anointed me to preach Good News to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame, my people will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land and everlasting joy will be theirs.

Joel 2:25 I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

Blessings and smiles,

Our Final Day in Bulgaria

When I mentioned earlier that Selah liked to be out and seemed to have a spirit of adventure with no looking back, today once again proved my theory correct! We spent the day downtown walking throughout the historical and government area of Sofia. She loved walking and walking and then walking some more! We were able to see all the major churches and historical sites once again. When Bryan and I did that in one day back in September we never dreamed we would be able to conquer it again with Selah in tow! She way more than tolerates it, though, she absolutely loves being on the go! Our biggest complication is having a newly potty trained little girl who thinks it is so much fun to visit ALL the potties in town!

Actually, our most stressful times are in the apartment. I don't know why, but in there she gets very upset and filled with anxiety. I'm not sure what the correlation is...maybe just the close quarters or that we have minimal stuff here to occupy her. The apartment is a 2-bedroom, though, so it is definitely not overly small. I hope with a routine and more toys to play with at home, she will do better in the home.

I feel like we have had some major breakthroughs with Selah today. Even though it started as a miraculous bedtime, she ended up having another night with very little quality sleep. But, despite that fact, she started the day with a smile on her face. She has started singing with me again which has been so fun! We have a book with the song "BINGO" written into story format and she has the song down perfectly! Well....melodically anyway! The words and letters aren't anything that sounds even remotely similar (except for the "OOOOOOOOO"- yes..she really holds it that long!), but she sure has the melody down and sounds great! We also did some dancing today to a little Ricky Martin on VH1," Living la Vida Loca"! She loved it! I thought for sure Daddy would bust out the "Daddy Dance"...that will be a funny day! It is quite the move.... ;-)

I love this picture because I can see pure joy on the face of sweet girl. It is my favorite from the whole trip!!!! 

Our flight leaves at 6:00 am and one of the ladies from VESTA will be picking us up at 3:30...ugh. But, it gets us into Phoenix at 6:00 pm so that should help the transition. It won't be too late and will give Selah some time after we get home to explore her new home and brother a little before crashing. I am praying for a safe and smooth flight with no delays and for our girl to sleep a little bit, at least, and not have delirious tantrums throughout the flight.

Ciao for now! Next stop, home!

P.S. Debby, I know you are leaving the states tomorrow and we will pass each other in the sky somewhere! Best wishes and many blessings on your visit! I am praying for you all!

 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

Psalm 91: 11-12 

Blessings and smiles,

A New Day

Today was a beautiful day in Bulgaria! The sun was shining and it must have been in the upper 60’s! We were finally able to head to the park and explore! It was such a blessing! Selah enjoyed herself so much and we so enjoyed being a family together. We talked of Landon often and missed having him with us to make our family complete. Zach kept talking about how much Landon would like the park and then spent about 15 minutes on Skype telling him all about it!


The park was gorgeous! Right now the trees are just beginning to bud and the flower gardens are being planted! I can only imagine how green and lush the area will be in only a few more weeks! Those of you traveling over the next few months will be in for such a treat! There were several paths and playgrounds throughout and even two outdoor “fitness stations”! The exercise equipment was really high-tech and in great condition and people of all ages were using them! Very impressive!

We also had our Embassy Interview today which was quite quick and easy. Everyone was very friendly and they just asked us a couple of questions. I was really happy to be able to locate the man that went to speak to our judge on our behalf. Without his efforts, who knows how much longer it would have taken to bring Selah home! They brought him out to meet us so that we could personally thank him and let him meet Selah.

Selah had a very good day today. When she woke up in the morning, she really seemed to pull away from me a lot. After a couple of hours, though, she warmed up again and became her usual loving and giggly little self! She brought us big smiles and really had a wonderful time playing with Zachary and Daddy at the park! I played some, as well, but I tend to be the memory keeper (aka photography and videographer!). It was really sweet to see her play so well with Zach. He again was the most awesome big brother ever. There are so many things that happen where he would NEVER cut his brother some slack over the issue, but for Selah there is an endless amount of that slack!! He even let her take his cherished “Lamby” to bed tonight! Lamby is Zach’s stuffed cuddly that he has had for years and it goes EVERYWHERE he goes. He has never slept without it and tonight he didn’t even flinch when he let her walk away with it to bed! That is love!

Speaking of bed…thank you for the prayers! We witnessed a miracle tonight! Selah cried her way to the bed tonight when we said it was bedtime and I thought for sure it would be another night like the others. But, I was sooooooo wrong and am sooooooo happy to admit it!!! She calmed down with Daddy reading a book and then our sweet girl went to sleep in about 15 minutes! Other nights we have tried both of us together with her then taking turns, but tonight we started with Daddy and my turn never came up! She hugged Lamby close and rocked herself with Bryan’s arms around her until she fell asleep. Huge praises to Jesus! She is still rocking and that may take a while to completely eradicate, but there were very few tears, she let her daddy hold her while she rocked, and it only took 15 minutes! We are so thankful!

Tomorrow is our last day in Sofia and then we have an early flight out on Saturday! We hope to spend some time downtown walking around for a while. Selah really loves the outdoors and exploring, so I think it will be a good day! We will hopefully get to bed early tomorrow night so that we won’t be more exhausted than necessary for the trip back! At 6:11 pm on Saturday we will land in Phoenix! We are so excited to go home! Hopefully I will get to post yet again tomorrow, but I just may be too swamped with packing and getting to bed early!

Thank you again for all the love and prayers!

Blessings and smiles,

A Whirlwind of Emotions....

Wow! Another day has passed. But, tonight I actually have some energy after getting Selah to sleep to sit down at my computer and post!

Where do I start? I could ramble on forever about all the events and emotions over the last couple of days, but I honestly cannot figure out how to get it all down on "paper". There are the many many moments of laughter and giggles and cuddles that are so fun! For example, our sweet little gal who has never witnessed anything of the fashion world and never been exposed to what is "girly", has a PASSION for shoes, hair bows, clothing, sparkly jewelry, and clothing! Poor Bry, he is doomed! She spent the morning digging through her suitcase trying on each outfit, changing her shoes over and over and over, and oooing and awing over her pretty necklace, bracelet, and socks Grandma made! Then, since it was cold and rainy today, we went to the mall, where she was drawn to all the shoes, jewelry, and purses! I laughed so hard! Daddy already had to spend some money on a couple of things she just "had" to have!

She thinks her suitcase is fabulous! After pure exhaustion from trying everything on, she plops herself in it to take a break!

Zach has been so incredible. He loves his little sister so much and has unbelieveable patience and understanding. He is wise beyond his years in so many ways.

Outfit #5 complete with a sassy pose!

Then there is the fact that she fits in perfectly with our family in that she loves to be on the go! She gets stir crazy in the apartment just like we do! She keeps bringing me her coat and asking to "go". It is almost as if she is telling us that she has spent way too many days looking at the same walls and it is time to see the world! I just love that spirit!

That spirit has been shining brightly in more ways than one! It shines very brightly in the fact that she had approximately 36 hours of a "honeymoon" period! After that, she decided all was fair game! One small example is when she went over to the stove and turned it on. I told her "no touch, hot" (in Bulgarian, thanks Maire, for the phrases cd ;-) ) and about five minutes later she did it again! I again took her hand away and said "no touch, hot".  About an hour later, she was standing next to Bryan and she ran quickly to the stove, turned it on, took a quick look at him, and then darted away and did her little rocking thing to comfort herself. So, she was testing us but at the same time worried about her misbehavior. Little stinker...but after we held her, looked into her eyes and told her the same thing again but with a little bit more emphasis, she didn't try it again. In so many ways she seems so little and as if she is not processing everything, but then when she does something like that I can tell she is processing A LOT and really testing to see how big our love is. I pray she will soon realize our love is waaaaaay BIG and we're never leaving....ever!

On the other hand, there are times that are absolutely tough. The nights are beyond what I could fathom. The fear and the heartache that come in her sobs leave me feeling so inept and so helpless. I just keep speaking the name of Jesus over her. I claim His promises for her life....I claim Him as her Peace, her Comfort, her Healer. I sing quietly in her ear. I hold on and hug her even when she pushes me away. I have realized why the director mentioned that the nights are not good. I fear what her nights have been like for so long. I fear the ache she has so deep in her soul, but I know that fear is not the answer. Like Bryan told me tonight, the past is the past and all we have is today and tomorrow and the next day. God will make a way...God will heal her broken places and open her heart wide to be filled with His love and our love. I cannot forget that...not even for a moment.

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers. Your love and prayers can truly be felt and I know that God is hearing them! Please don't stop them from comin' though! Please pray for all the open spaces of loneliness and insecurity to be replaced with a confident sense of belonging and a knowledge that she is a child created by a God Who only creates that which is beautiful and wonderful....and that she has been chosen long before the stars were ever even placed in the sky. Pray that whatever has hurt her soul during her life, be long forgotten because none of her past defines who she is today and in the future. Please pray that all of that hurt be replaced with joy...immeasurable joy!

Love to you all!

Blessings and smiles,