Through the Eyes of Trauma

Last week was a tough one. Selah's surgery to repair the strabismus in her right eye went fantastically. Even in the beginning it felt that she turned to us for comfort and let her walls down a little more and just wanted lots of loving. The tough started a couple of days later, after the eye was feeling better. It seems that the trauma of the surgery triggered some very unpleasant memories that consumed our sweet girl and brought out all the fear, rage, and pain that we experienced in the beginning. She acted out some of the memories in her playtime with her speech teacher, followed by extreme acting out over the same topic a day later, and then fell apart emotionally. The whole experience was so traumatic, but God used it for the good as He is always so faithful in doing, and each day is showing the return of Selah's joy and emotional stability.

For me, God used this to break my heart all over again. I know that I have struggled with finding the correct balance to being emotionally engaged and disengaged. It is important to remain disengaged from the behavior so that you can handle the actions without anger or hurt entering the picture. It is also important to be connected emotionally to your child so that they can always be reassured of your unconditional love. In my situation, in the beginning I was so emotionally connected that I couldn't separate the behavior from the child and the actions triggered an emotional response from me which was too much of a burden to bear. As time progressed, I became more emotionally defensive and worked to remain emotionally detached from the behavior. This, in turn, sometimes separated me from my daughter and from being able to feel her pain or understand her actions. Last week, God showed me where I had gone wrong and He gave me the amazing gift of truly, in a very physical sense of the word, seeing her actions and feelings through the eyes of the unthinkable trauma she has experienced in life.

By Friday I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Bryan was able to take the day off (Veteran's Day is not a given holiday at his work) and he treated me to a day to myself. He took all three kiddos and spent the day at the movies and visiting his parents. It gave me time to rest, think, pray, and listen. At one point, I sat down at my computer and returned an email to Emily, who is our post adoption support at All God's Children. I wrote to her about all that had been happening in our home and a bit about my heavy spirit. The writing started a thought process in me that lead me through my last few weeks of reading, of prayer, of Bible study, and of the last couple of sermons at church. I started seeing how so many pieces of my life seemed to be coming together to show me one very important thing about my call in life right now. Everything had been about shepherding a child's heart, believing in the power of God to heal, leaning into His Spirit to hear His wisdom and gain His strength, and never trying to run away from what God has called you to. At that very moment I received a return email from Emily (what are the chances that she was right there and able to respond so quickly?) and it was if her words were sent by Jesus Himself! They started the tears running. Her words simply confirmed my thoughts about Selah's trauma and reminded me to care for myself. Her words reminded me to see Selah's behaviors through the lens of trauma rather than acts of manipulation or defiance. The "brain" part of me knows that...but something in her words cracked me wide open and I let it all come rolling out! And what does any Mom who is an emotional blubbering mess do? Laundry! Right? As I transferred one load to the dryer, started another in the washer, and yet folded another I cried...and cried...and cried. It felt as if God had given me this gift of envisioning the horrors she lived. I say gift because, as much as it made me physically and emotionally sick, it broke my heart to another degree of truly understanding my little girl. I will never forget that moment. I feel like it changed my heart once again...and made it better and stronger.

And, just in case there was any doubt in my mind that all this had been arranged by God, He placed one more confirmation in my day. As I finally left the laundry room, having pulled myself together again, I saw that I had a missed call from my friend. It was the same friend I had felt the urge to call as I was crying because I wanted to share my revelation with her. I had just spent some time with her and she knew of my frustrations over Selah's behaviors. The message from her was a directive to find and listen to Casting Crown's song "So Far to Find You". It was actually an order...not a suggestion, and I was to do so IMMEDIATELTY. The funny thing is she had been listening to the cd for a few months now, but had never paid attention to the lyrics until this very moment as she was on the treadmill at the gym! She had stopped her workout just to call me because she was so moved and KNEW I just had to hear the song NOW! I was obedient (:-) ). There I sat listening and blubbering all over again. It was my personal confirmation that God was in this...He was working on us all. He is loving us through it all and He is not ever going to let go. He showed me Selah's pain on a level like never before and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be her mommy and share her pain with her and I will always know that whatever she dishes out will never compare to that what she experienced in her short 4 1/2 years. I know I can handle it because we have a great big God who loves us so...and will walk with us every step along this journey to healing.

Below are the lyrics and then the YouTube of the song. Be blessed....but make sure to have the tissues nearby!

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone
We were waiting and praying
And longing to bring you home
And then we saw your face
In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts
We took a step of faith
And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed
Just to hold your hand
You will never be alone again
I’ve come so far to find you
So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful
You were hiding your heart away
But I was trying so hard to show you
‘Cause there were no words that I could say
If you could see my heart
You would know that all I want to do
Is care for you

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

Here in your eyes I see
Reflections of myself
How I’m the child that’s really running
But I can hear a voice that’s whispering my name
Saying come to me, don’t run from me
I’m all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
(I have come so far)
Will you take my love and give up the fight
(I have come so far)

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From Heaven’s throne
Down to a rugged cross I came
It was My love for you that brought Me all the way
So far to find you
So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned
And crying all alone

Seeing From the Perspective of Heaven

Happy November! Before we know it, Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here! Yikes...!

October was a fun filled month. I always love October because it starts cooling down here in Arizona. This year it took longer to actually cool off, but, FINALLY the beautiful weather is here and we remember why it is that we love Phoenix so much!!!

Selah began wearing the brace for the scoliosis. It was a horrible three nights of rages and screams and very little sleep, and then another four or so nights of restless sleep and some anger issues and regression, but then she seemed to settle into accepting life in the brace. As frustrating and difficult as it was, though, God used the brace to bring hidden blessings. The brace gave Selah such wonderful deep tissue pressure, that it helped to calm her significantly. Our occupational therapist was amazed at the difference in Selah.

Also, because the brace was designed to come halfway down around her bum and hips, it has pulled her hips together and helped her to walk with a narrow gate placing one foot directly in front of the other. She has continued to do this and keep the straight posture even for the couple of hours each day she is without the brace! It has also stopped her from rocking at night and sleeping with her torso flat on her legs like a closed book. The design of the brace makes it impossible to do that. I believe that was the biggest portion of the raging for the first week. Even though she falls asleep at night lying flat now, several times throughout the night she would sit up, rock, and either fall asleep forward or flop back. It was a blessing because it took Bryan and I out of the quotient and put the blame on the brace which in turned caused her to turn to us for comfort. The other part of the rocking I think was simply habit...similar to sucking a thumb or pacifier that had never been broken.

Today we found out even one more hidden blessing! We saw the cardiologist today for a follow-up on her enlarged aortic root. The ultrasound was promising in that there had been no progression of the enlargement! Praise God! That was even without medicine, therefore the doctor doesn't feel we need to start any new medications at this point! And...the hidden blessing? He told us our biggest fear is going to be any blows or hard impacts to Selah's torso. That could cause the "eruption". With her brace, he said she is actually well protected. Funny how God works!

Selah's surgery to repair the strabismus in her right eye is on Friday morning. Please pray with us for success, quick healing, and no emotional setbacks. I pray that God will use this time to draw her even closer to us.

Otherwise, we continue to stay busy with day-to-day activities. As I celebrated my birthday this year, I remembered being so sad last year because we couldn't seem to get our I800 approval from the NBC. I remember having a nightmare officer that kept changing her mind as to what she wanted from us. Ugh...how many wasted days, extra fees, and overnighting costs we accrued! It now seems so long ago.

Landon playing i9 basketball

Zach's team won the championship for the Halloween tournament!

Halloween was really fun again this year! Both sets of grandparents had arrived back in town for the winter months and were here for trick-or-treating and our neighborhood potluck of chili, cornbread, and a million other yummy treats! The weather was gorgeus....the boys were cute...and our little Selah made an adorable little ladybug!

My tribute to the Jayhawks in honor of Bryan and the boys!

The back.

Trick-or-treating

Zach was a KU basketball player and Landon a KU fan!

Do you think her big brothers adore her, or what?

Charley, our sweet babysitter, and Selah. Dorothy, Toto, and a ladybug :-)

Selah's Mr. Potato Head Pirate Pumpkin deserved a big hug and kiss!

I am reading this book right now called Spiritual Java by Bill and Beni Johnson. A friend gave it to me as a birthday gift and I love it! It is broken up into small chapters so that you can read it even if you only have a couple of minutes here and there. The jacket cover says "God will take you into supernatural new territory, and your explorations will not end until you are fully walking in  His prefect plan for your life. Each time you enjoy a few more sips, you will be warmed and energized to step out into your world with renewed Kingdom effectiveness. May each sip of every chapter be spritual java for your soul." Kinda fun, huh? I'm going to leave you with two little sips of that java that I related to the journey of an adoptive parent. The journey where you lay your life down daily for another..the journey where that laying down can seem like the heaviest of burdens on some days and greatest of joys on others.

"The tragedy is that many believers can't yet distinguish the difference between the burden of the Lord and the weight of their own unbelief." Chew on that one! When we are so burdened and go before Him in prayer, is the burden really about what has been placed upon us? Or is it about the weight of our unbelief in what He can and will do? The book went on to say, "do whatever is necessary to arrive at a place of faith. Then you will be able to see the situation from the perspecitive of Heaven - and you will be able to bring Heaven to earth with a simple word or two."  I know that the days I am firmly planted in that place of faith, my burdens are not heavy. The days I waver, are the days when I fear what the future could mean for Selah and for us. But, I am committed to seeing her medical and emotional needs from the perspective of Heaven. In Heaven there is no pain and no brokenness. That is what I am believing in faith for Selah.

And here is the other one that spoke volumes to me: "But for the sake of becomnig mature and growing in favor so that we can bless those around us, God brings moments into our lives when we have to stand alone in difficulty and testing. God will even blind the eyes and deafen the ears of our closest friends in those moments - so we can learn to minister to ourselves." I don't know about you, but there have been many moments I have felt a bit isolated in my world through various phases of this journey. Now, I don't mean we haven't had wonderful friends and family loving us. I just mean that until you walk this road, it is really tough to understand. It is also very tough to share all that is going on. So many people are simply elated that you have your child now with you and they are unaware of all that can come with adoption, especially of an older child. The last thing you want to do when they are so happy for you is to emotionally or verbally vomit all the gory details! After reading that portion of the book, though, and having a friend give me that same word one evening as I was emotionally vomiting, I realized that this IS part of the journey. God walks us through times like these and strips away many of our other supports to make us dig deep within ourselves, turn to Him and build our faith. Again bringing us back to...seeing things from the perspective of Heaven. It's such a better view from there!

Blessings and smiles,