Through the Eyes of Trauma

Last week was a tough one. Selah's surgery to repair the strabismus in her right eye went fantastically. Even in the beginning it felt that she turned to us for comfort and let her walls down a little more and just wanted lots of loving. The tough started a couple of days later, after the eye was feeling better. It seems that the trauma of the surgery triggered some very unpleasant memories that consumed our sweet girl and brought out all the fear, rage, and pain that we experienced in the beginning. She acted out some of the memories in her playtime with her speech teacher, followed by extreme acting out over the same topic a day later, and then fell apart emotionally. The whole experience was so traumatic, but God used it for the good as He is always so faithful in doing, and each day is showing the return of Selah's joy and emotional stability.

For me, God used this to break my heart all over again. I know that I have struggled with finding the correct balance to being emotionally engaged and disengaged. It is important to remain disengaged from the behavior so that you can handle the actions without anger or hurt entering the picture. It is also important to be connected emotionally to your child so that they can always be reassured of your unconditional love. In my situation, in the beginning I was so emotionally connected that I couldn't separate the behavior from the child and the actions triggered an emotional response from me which was too much of a burden to bear. As time progressed, I became more emotionally defensive and worked to remain emotionally detached from the behavior. This, in turn, sometimes separated me from my daughter and from being able to feel her pain or understand her actions. Last week, God showed me where I had gone wrong and He gave me the amazing gift of truly, in a very physical sense of the word, seeing her actions and feelings through the eyes of the unthinkable trauma she has experienced in life.

By Friday I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Bryan was able to take the day off (Veteran's Day is not a given holiday at his work) and he treated me to a day to myself. He took all three kiddos and spent the day at the movies and visiting his parents. It gave me time to rest, think, pray, and listen. At one point, I sat down at my computer and returned an email to Emily, who is our post adoption support at All God's Children. I wrote to her about all that had been happening in our home and a bit about my heavy spirit. The writing started a thought process in me that lead me through my last few weeks of reading, of prayer, of Bible study, and of the last couple of sermons at church. I started seeing how so many pieces of my life seemed to be coming together to show me one very important thing about my call in life right now. Everything had been about shepherding a child's heart, believing in the power of God to heal, leaning into His Spirit to hear His wisdom and gain His strength, and never trying to run away from what God has called you to. At that very moment I received a return email from Emily (what are the chances that she was right there and able to respond so quickly?) and it was if her words were sent by Jesus Himself! They started the tears running. Her words simply confirmed my thoughts about Selah's trauma and reminded me to care for myself. Her words reminded me to see Selah's behaviors through the lens of trauma rather than acts of manipulation or defiance. The "brain" part of me knows that...but something in her words cracked me wide open and I let it all come rolling out! And what does any Mom who is an emotional blubbering mess do? Laundry! Right? As I transferred one load to the dryer, started another in the washer, and yet folded another I cried...and cried...and cried. It felt as if God had given me this gift of envisioning the horrors she lived. I say gift because, as much as it made me physically and emotionally sick, it broke my heart to another degree of truly understanding my little girl. I will never forget that moment. I feel like it changed my heart once again...and made it better and stronger.

And, just in case there was any doubt in my mind that all this had been arranged by God, He placed one more confirmation in my day. As I finally left the laundry room, having pulled myself together again, I saw that I had a missed call from my friend. It was the same friend I had felt the urge to call as I was crying because I wanted to share my revelation with her. I had just spent some time with her and she knew of my frustrations over Selah's behaviors. The message from her was a directive to find and listen to Casting Crown's song "So Far to Find You". It was actually an order...not a suggestion, and I was to do so IMMEDIATELTY. The funny thing is she had been listening to the cd for a few months now, but had never paid attention to the lyrics until this very moment as she was on the treadmill at the gym! She had stopped her workout just to call me because she was so moved and KNEW I just had to hear the song NOW! I was obedient (:-) ). There I sat listening and blubbering all over again. It was my personal confirmation that God was in this...He was working on us all. He is loving us through it all and He is not ever going to let go. He showed me Selah's pain on a level like never before and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be her mommy and share her pain with her and I will always know that whatever she dishes out will never compare to that what she experienced in her short 4 1/2 years. I know I can handle it because we have a great big God who loves us so...and will walk with us every step along this journey to healing.

Below are the lyrics and then the YouTube of the song. Be blessed....but make sure to have the tissues nearby!

You were broken, abandoned

And crying all alone
We were waiting and praying
And longing to bring you home
And then we saw your face
In a moment you were wrapped up in our hearts
We took a step of faith
And now here we are

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From a world away, I journeyed
Just to hold your hand
You will never be alone again
I’ve come so far to find you
So far to find you

You were fighting and fearful
You were hiding your heart away
But I was trying so hard to show you
‘Cause there were no words that I could say
If you could see my heart
You would know that all I want to do
Is care for you

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

Here in your eyes I see
Reflections of myself
How I’m the child that’s really running
But I can hear a voice that’s whispering my name
Saying come to me, don’t run from me
I’m all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
(I have come so far)
Will you take my love and give up the fight
(I have come so far)

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you
Will you take my love and give up the fight
I have come so far to find you
So far to find you

From Heaven’s throne
Down to a rugged cross I came
It was My love for you that brought Me all the way
So far to find you
So far to find you

You were broken, abandoned
And crying all alone